Sucked Dry

The aliens are at it again with the cows. At least we know which side of the War they're on.


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Airborne Assault

Those dastardly bovine belligerents are taking to the air:

Imagine that you're walking along a road, minding your own business — or perhaps you're driving in your car — when all of a sudden, out of the blue, a cow comes hurtling out of the sky and lands on top of you. This situation, odd as it may sound, happens more often than you might think...

There have been multiple examples of people struck by flying cows. These incidents, passed off as "freak accidents" by a clueless press, are quite obviously weapon tests. The lack of parachutes is a clear indication that the cows themselves are the weapons. Whether the evil ruminants have hijacked an aircraft or are simply launching themselves with a crude cowapult, (catapults are purely a feline device), it's a fact that half a ton of ballistic beef is nothing to sneer at. Be on your guard.


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Fire with Fire

Cow-ardly:

A Kingennie farmer has blamed a Baptist Church fireworks display for killing one of his cows.

Hundreds of people attended Broughty Ferry Baptist Church’s fireworks party at Panmurefield on Saturday night.

However, David Reid, of Ethiebeaton Farm, said he believes the 20-minute display is responsible for the death of one of his cows. He found the animal dead on Sunday morning and believes it may have had a heart attack or killed itself in a panic-stricken charge into a fence.

Of course, we here at Apathy Curve know what really happened: this was nothing less than the exposure of a bovine agent before it could wreak its unholy devastation on the countryside. The fireworks obviously triggered its programming prematurely, thereby preventing it getting in amongst people and going berserk. Fortunately, it killed only itself.

I think the more important question here is why Farmer Dave is raising bovine agents on his quaint little farm. Of course he claims they're only dairy cows. Hmph. Like we've never heard that one before! I say he has ulterior moootives.


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Nazi Cows!

Nazi super cows, to be precise:

Hitler’s drive to produce the perfect Aryan race was not confined to people – it also extended to a specially bred herd of Nazi-engineered cows, which have turned out to be so aggressive that a UK farmer has been forced to turn half of them into sausages.

Derek Gow imported more than a dozen Heck super cows to his West Devon farm in 2009, nearly a century after they were first created in the 1920s.

But, Farmer Gow, who is the only British farmer to own the breed, has been forced to kill seven of his herd because the cows were so aggressive they repeatedly tried to kill his staff.

Good God, man! Aren't we all in enough danger from the bovine belligerents without some super strain of Nazi commando cows? And they're called Heck cows! That's obviously a bowdlerization of HellCow! The Nazis called them Heck cows to lull us into a false sense of security, thinking they'd be good, God-fearin' Christian cows. But they're obviously bloodthirsty killers, the most diabolical Aryan attack animal ever conceived! What the Heck is the matter with you?


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Moooove over we're back

Just when you thought it was safe to go out to the pasture....

A rural Urbana woman died after a cow attacked her while she was feeding her animals, leaving people baffled.

And just to show that the cows have successfully dodged the eye of both main stream academia and main stream media, here is a quote from a noted local academic and cow expert:

“It’s pretty unusual for a cow to become aggressive,” said Terry Engelken, an associate professor at Iowa State University’s College of Veterinary Medicine. “We have a few instances of (cow attacks) across the country every year — but it’s uncommon.

That’s right only here at Apathy Curve are we covering this Cow War. So stay tuned moooore to come.

Rowdy Ruminant Repulsed

A vicious bovine attack was foiled by the farmer's wife in Florida:

Wilcox’s wife told a deputy that her husband was working on a fence in the pasture when she heard him scream. She drove into the pasture and saw a cow “attacking” her husband.

“She was able to hit the cow several times with the truck to get it off of her husband,” the report states.

Wilcox apparently had shot the cow, listed as a crossbred with 12- to 18-inch horns, with a .22 caliber pistol, but apparently dropped or lost the weapon during the attack.

His wife picked up the pistol and shot the cow several times in the face, driving the animal away. The pistol was loaded with “ratshot,” or cartridges having a number of extremely small pellets instead of a single, solid projectile.

As submitter points out, shotshells in a .22 are about as useful as a nerf ball. She'd have been better off throwing rocks at the evil beast. One hopes they have the sense to immediately convert the diabolical cowmmando into freezer filler.

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Hat-tip to Jeff W.

Cow commando goes off the reservation

Kill it!

The pedigree cow made a break for freedom as farmer John Croft tried to load it into a trailer - and leaped over a 9,000 volt fence before galloping off down the A52, in Nottingham.

Officers tailed the animal for almost two miles before finally entering into a police stand-off with the cow in Caroline's garden.

'The police tried to block it off by parking a police van across my neighbour's garden. But the cow smashed into the van and ploughed its way through the fence into another garden.

Police had nearly managed to grab hold of the cow when it charged at the police line, scattering officers.

It took more than an hour for them to eventually coax the cow onto a trailer and return it to the farm, two hours after it originally escaped.

'It's doing good now," [Farmer Clueless McDolt] said. 'We took it back to the stables and it calmed down over some water and food.'

NOOOO! You fool! Can't you see that this is a member of an elite Special Operations Bovine Unit, created for the express purpose of ridding the Earth of all two-legged mammals? You should hamburger its ass before it converts your entire farm into a training ground for Ruminant Rangers.

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Got Her!

Evil cow-fiend foiled:

Cal Expo police shot an agitated, pregnant dairy cow that twice escaped her confines and knocked over an officer as she bolted through the fairgrounds Tuesday morning.

Obviously a deep-plant insurgent, sent to the fair to foment rebellion among her bovine comrades. The rent-a-cops are to be congratulated on their vigilance and quick action to thwart the insidious plot.

Neither the cow nor her calf survived the shooting...

Nits make lice.

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Cow Splicing

A group of New Zealand scientists are working for the enemy:

Scientists have been given permission to put human genes into goats, sheep and cows

Damned bovine Quislings!

Jon Carapiet, of GE-free NZ, said the decision was the beginning of a "mega-transformation"

Oh, it'll be a tranformation, all right...

Agresearch has said it will not use Maori DNA because of cultural concerns.

Well, "cultural concerns" and the fact that cows are already pretty damned stupid, so they're probably trying to avoid exacerbating the problem.

The Bovine War ends.

Cows absolved of causing global warming.

Stampeded

Remember the English farmer who was foolishly training the tai chi cows? Witness the fruits.

Do not flag in your vigilance, fellow homo sapiens (and Democrats): the war is still on.

Cow Fu

Some misguided English farmer is unwittingly creating a whole company of cow commandos for the Bovine Conspiracy... the fool:

A dairy farmer who believes a happy cow is a productive cow has discovered an unusual way to relax his herd and increase milk yields –- tai chi.

Rob Taverner performs the ancient martial art in front of his 100 cows every morning...

Dude, you're playing with fire...

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(Hat-tip to Shark)

Devil Beast

Witness the latest desperate plot of the bovines in the Cow Wars: they've created an evil demon-calf in Virginia.

Somebody call Father Damien.

U.N.-bovine Behavior

The U.N. has finally divined the true nature of the enemy.

Perhaps we can convince the cows to attack the United Nations building. The enemy of my enemy...

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(Hat-tip to Fundy)

Catholic Cows

The following search hit the page early this morning:

fw.vatlib.it (Biblioteca Apostolica Vaticana - Vatican Apostolic Library)

Holy See (vatican City), Vatican, Holy See (vatican City State), 0 returning visits

26th October 2006 02:56:36 apathycurve.blogspot.com/

www.ask.com/web?o=0&qsrc=19&l=dir&q=what percentage of the world%27s water is contained within the body of a cow

Those wacky worshippers of Cathol have hatched a secret plot to take over the world's water supply! Or beef supply... or milk... or, uh... something.

Well, if I knew what they were doing, it wouldn't be a secret plot, now would it? Trust me, though; they're up to no good. And they're almost certainly in league with the cows.

Moooving Target

The evil bovines have found a way to protect their shock troops from electrical weapons! Er... I mean...

Nevermind. The important part is that a new threat in the ongoing Cow War has reared its ugly horns. Remember: lethal force or nothing! (Try not to hit the tenderloin; that's wasteful.)

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(Cow-tip to Shark)(Who likes steak)(And milk)

Puttin' on the Ritz

Elephant repellent?

"We have now formed a team of thirty people armed with crackers to try and chase away the elephants..."

Those elephants had better high-tail it out of there before somebody gets crazy and pulls out the ranch dip.

Laugh if you wish, but you would do well to remember that Hindus consider cows sacred. They are therefore in league with the enemy. Be vigilant. Eat more steak.
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(Trunk-wave to Pete K.)

Cow Chase

A guy walking his dog stumbled onto a bovine commando unit--and nearly paid with his life:

"One of them started being a bit frisky and began jumping up and down and the others followed."

A cow "jumping up and down." I'd pay good coin to see that.

But something tells me Mr. Dogwalker ain't exactly on the up-and-up:

Mr Maye, who was unhurt, lost a ring, his glasses and £250 in cash in the mire.

Uh-huh. Suuure... "Lessee, I lost my glasses. Oh, and I had a ring on this finger. A gold ring. With, uh... big diamonds. And rubies and stuff. Oh, and there was about three...er, I mean four hundred and fifty bucks in cash in my pocket, too! Yeah, that's the ticket!"

Leather Feathers

Those evil cows have caught onto our alien mercenary scheme, and they've countered by recruiting the ducks onto their side. The foul fowls have no conscience, not even flinching at consuming alien babies whole.

Perhaps we can sway the Chick-fil-A chickens to take up our cause and counter the ducks. After all, the insidious meatsacks have been publicly attacking them for years--they're even raising war revenue with the scheme! No more Bovine Belligerency Bonds!

UPDATE: Great Cham's beard! It's not bad enough the ducks are helping them, now we've got treasonous members of our own species helping the monsterous mooers. This woman built a cow jetpack--and is proudly displaying it to all the world! Soon, hordes of Cow Jump Brigades will descend upon us, their tiny little bovine brains fixed upon the destruction of human civilization. And they have one of our own to thank for it!

You clueless tool! You traitor! You... you... LIBERAL! Aiiiigggghhh!

Beef Bomber

The Cow War is once again making headlines, as a commie-kazi cow attacks and burns two police cruisers. But there's even worse news:

Several cars hit some of the cows. One cow died. DPS troopers called for backup.

That's when one officer was nearly run down by a speeding truck, carrying two illegal immigrants inside.

The bastard bovines have recruited the Mexicans! Must be an escalation from our alliance with the aliens.