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Tuesday, December 21, 2021

Darwin loves...

...gravity:

Jon James McMurray, 33, was being filmed wing-walking when he fell and died on Saturday.


It's not the wing-walking per se that's earned him his Darwin Award, since he was wearing a parachute. It's the fact that he was flying too low to open his parachute when he fell. That's a rookie mistake.

On Monday, McMurray's management team released a statement on his death. It said he'd been training for the stunt for months.


Trained by whom? Himself? His momma? Donald Duck? Because anyone who knows anything about exiting aircraft at any altitude above ground level (and I know quite a lot from my previous career) knows that 800 ft AGL is the minimum height for a jump with a static line and 1,200 ft AGL for self-deployed. In the case of the static line, you have 3 1/2 seconds after leaving the aircraft for the static to pull. You start counting when you step out. One-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand... If you don't feel a tug when you say "four," you rip your reserve. If you react within two seconds of failed static deployment, at 800 feet the reserve canopy will have just enough time to fully deploy before you hit the ground. You need four hundred more feet for the self-deployed main canopy as they take longer to deploy than a static one, because there's nothing ripping the canopy out except the airstream.

Either he was flying too low (which was at least partially the pilot's fault) or he hit his head when he came off the wing and was too stunned to deploy in time. Either way, more altitude would have greatly increased his chances of survival. Many people labor under the idiotic impression that falling from two hundred feet is less lethal than falling from ten thousand feet. No, it isn't. The difference is the time you have to act -- even if it's just steering toward something marginally less lethal to land on. People have been known to survive falls into dense forests, though it's rare and down to pure luck you don't hit any limbs large enough to break your back or smash your skull. Water won't work. Surface tension will break every bone in your body when you hit. Maybe a deep bog. Maybe. But you'd likely auger in so far you'd probably suffocate/drown if you survived the impact. Nope, it's a forest or splat. As you approach the top of the trees, curl up into a ball and pray to whatever deities you fancy might listen to you.

I have nothing against doing dangerous shit; I do it all the time, though somewhat less at 53 than I did at 23. I've been an andrenaline junky since I enlisted in the Marine Corps at 17. But the key to doing dangerous shit successfully -- being defined as "not dead afterwards" -- is to understand the nature of the danger and prepare accordingly. You minimize risk by using your head first, whether you're riding a motorcycle, hunting dangerous predators or wing-walking. A little knowledge and/or a session with a professional stuntman would have avoided this fatality. As it is, he's dining with Uncle Chuck now.


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Thursday, November 04, 2021

Darwin loves...

...the Flintstones?

A man wearing a Fred Flintstone costume who was attempting to attack passing vehicles with a spear was struck and killed by a car on the Northeast Side early Tuesday, according to the San Antonio Police Department.


Wonderful stuff, that meth.


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Monday, March 01, 2021

Darwin loves...

...gender reveals.

A dad-to-be in upstate New York was killed when a device he was building for a gender reveal party exploded


But wait, there's more!

It’s just the latest in a string of tragedies caused by faulty gender reveal devices in recent years.


So this is a trend. Uncle Chuck gives an approving golf clap.

By the way, I have a question: are all 9,427 genders being given a fair showing in these ridiculous reveals? I think not. A boy, you say? Pfft! That spoiled crotchfruit will probably identify as a putty knife after a couple weeks at LGBTWTFBBQ+/- University.


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Monday, December 09, 2019

Darwin Loves...

...volcanoes:

New Zealand volcano: 'No sign of life' after White Island eruption

Tourists were seen walking inside the crater of White Island volcano moments before it erupted. White Island, also called Whakaari, is the country's most active volcano. Despite that, the privately owned island is a tourist destination with frequent day tours and scenic flights available.


Walking in the crater of an active volcano... Even Uncle Chuck shakes his head in wonder at that level of stupidity.


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Tuesday, November 12, 2019

Darwin Loves...

...glaciers:

Searchers found his body atop a glacier at the base of Mount Darwin in the national park Thursday afternoon, the Inyo County Sheriff’s Department reported


Yeah, he bought it while hiking alone on Mount Darwin. Ol' Uncle Chuck still has his sense of humor, I see.


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Tuesday, August 27, 2019

Darwin Loves...

...drones:

ISIS fighter killed by drone bomb he was operating after it ran low on battery and flew back



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Monday, August 12, 2019

Darwin Loves...

...puppy dogs:

Texas teenager mauled to death by dogs after trespassing



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Tuesday, July 30, 2019

Darwin Loves...

...buses. Hold on, it's not what you think.

Apparently some idiot college student back in the 90s decided he was going to be a mountain man in Alaska. Of course he failed miserably -- i.e., he starved to death. Fast forward a decade and ultra-left commie-tard Sean Penn made a movie out of it, which became a cult classic among stupid people. Ever since then, idiots the world over have been trying to hike up to the abandoned bus where Original Idiot starved to death. This latest one drowned attempting to cross a river.

On the bright side, she probably won't be the last. There's no shortage of unpleasant ways to die in the Alaskan wilderness. I'll take Big Fucking Bears for $500, Alex.


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Hat-tip to Sharkis


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Wednesday, May 29, 2019

Darwin Loves...

...Mount Everest.

Eleven people have died this year atop the mountain. By falling off, you presume? No, none of it. They died while standing in line...



There are so many people trying to get to the top, the lines going up and down are causing traffic jams. Oxygen bottles are running out and people are dropping dead from asphyxiation while standing in line. It just doesn't get any more retarded that this, folks.

I'm patiently awaiting that killer asteroid.


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Thursday, August 16, 2018

Stabby

American Couple Believing 'Evil Is A Make-Believe Concept' Bike Through Territory Near Afghan Border. ISIS Stabs Them To Death.

A young American couple who took a year-long bike trip around the world, believing that evil was a make-believe concept, took a fatal route in Tajikistan near the Afghan border, where alleged ISIS terrorists stabbed them to death.

Jay Austin and Lauren Geoghegan, 29, quit their jobs last year in order to make their trip. Austin was a vegan who worked for the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development; Geoghegan, a vegetarian who worked in the Georgetown University admissions office.

Austin had a personal blog on which he wrote in June 2017, “I’ve grown tired of spending the best hours of my day in front of a glowing rectangle, of coloring the best years of my life in swaths of grey and beige. I’ve missed too many sunsets while my back was turned. Too many thunderstorms went unwatched, too many gentle breezes unnoticed.”


Sanctimonious Democrat vegan bicycling government bureaucrats. It's like they went out of their way to become everything I hate. But in the end, they became one of things I really love: Darwin Award candidates.


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Friday, July 20, 2018

Darwin Loves...

...bicycles. Another arrogant imbecyclist plays patty-cake with Uncle Chuck. I still think it should be legal to run them over.




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Monday, July 09, 2018

Darwin Loves...

...hand grenades.

A Muslim terrorist blew himself up while attempting to throw an explosive device at IDF troops near the Karni border crossing in northern Gaza, during Friday’s riots. No injuries to IDF soldiers were reported.

A fellow terrorist who witnessed Abu Halima exploding, said that he activated and tried to throw a grenade using a slingshot.


A slingshot... Oh, that is SOOO in the running for first place in the 2018 Darwin Awards.


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Wednesday, May 02, 2018

Darwin Loves...

...chemicals:

Biohacker Who Injected Self With Herpes Treatment Found Dead in Therapy Float Tank


In case you're not "in the know" yet, biohackers are a relatively new group of congenital imbeciles who mix various chemicals and genetic material together and then inject themselves to see what happens. It's like experimental science for really, really stupid people. Gene pool purification on the cheap. I firmly believe we should encourage this trend.


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Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Darwin Loves...

...bug spray:

Huge surge in people getting high on bug spray which leaves them 'raging like a mad dog', health officials warn


The active ingredient in fast-acting insecticides like Raid is basically a form of nerve agent. That's even dumber than eating TidePods.


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Thursday, July 13, 2017

Darwin Loves...

...jet airplanes:

The woman, 57, was holding on to a fence at the end of the airport's runway when a Boeing 737 left for a trip to Trinidad when the engine's blast tossed the woman backward, causing her to fall and hit her head on the concrete pavement... The area is a popular tourist attraction where passenger planes fly low over a nearby beach before touching down and taking off on the runway next to area. Warnings are posted about the dangers of standing too close to the fence.


Do stupid things, win stupid prizes.


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Monday, May 15, 2017

Darwin Loves...

Tuesday, May 09, 2017

Darwin Loves...

...gluttony:

21-year-old Caitlin Nelson died Sunday after falling ill at a pancake-eating contest at the University Commons. An autopsy is pending. Police said she had multiple food allergies and was choking during the contest.



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Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Darwin loves...

...automobiles.

Environmental activist is hit and killed by a SUV while walking across America barefoot to raise awareness about climate change

He said that going barefoot made his feet hurt and it was more comfortable to walk on the white line grazing the edge of the road because it is the smoothest.

He also said he would not move for cars but would heed trucks because: 'They'll really mess you up.'

Baumer was a poet and would post poems along with 'foot selfies' of his swollen feet on Instagram. He wrote blog posts and poems on the website for his journey titled 'notgoingtomakeit.com.'


Uncle Chuck had this one in his sights from the day it was spawned. Good riddance; the gene pool just cleared a little.

P.S. - You'll be relieved to know that the vehicle was not seriously damaged.


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Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Instant Karma

Let's say you're a thug looking for a store to rob. Precisely how dumb would you have to be to decide that your ideal mark is a shop named "Dixie Gun and Pawn"? Well, we can't administer an I.Q. test because he got a taxpayer relief shot as his consolation prize.


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Monday, January 09, 2017

Darwin Loves...

...trains:

Railway fanatic who was decapitated after putting his head out of a moving Gatwick Express carriage was standing next to a sign warning passengers not to lean out of the window


That's got 'British redneck' written all over it... "What a stupid sign! Hey, hold my pint and watch this."


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