We're All Gonna DIE!!!!!11

Hey boys and girls! It's that time again! That's right, it's climate change apocalypse time!

A mass extinction that wipes out humanity will be under way by the year 2100, scientists have claimed.

By the end of the century, it’s feared that so much carbon will have been added to the oceans that the planet will have passed a “threshold of catastrophe” which leads to the destruction of our species.

That's right, only 83 years to stock up on bottled water and batteries! Better get moving.


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We're all gonna DIE!!!!!!11

A global warming research study in Canada has been cancelled because of “unprecedented” thick summer ice.

Not to worry, the director of the "study" took the opportunity handed to him by The Almighty Gore to preach the Dogma of Climate Change™ to the seething masses of unbelievers, (that'd be you and me):

“It was clear it was from the Arctic, I just needed to be among the ice to see it,” said Dr. Barber. “What was also clear to me was that climate change has caused this event to happen.”

Well of course it was! Never mind that last year you were squawking about how the rapidly melting icepack was stranding polar bears and it was all due to Climate Change™. I think maybe the constant and rapid changes of direction are giving the Believers mental whiplash.

UPDATE: This there's this...


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Oh, bother!

Dakota Access pipeline leaks 84 gallons in South Dakota

Everyone panic! Run in circles and wave your arms about! Construct a sentence with "capitalist" used in a pejorative manner! It's the end of th-- What's that...?

The surge pump at a station in Tulare had a mechanical failure and the oil leak was limited to a containment area protected by gravel and synthetic liner.

Oh. So... the containment dike worked as designed? Well, that's not very fucking dramatic, is it? Yet somehow still worthy of a headline. Presumably so the local featherheads can run around chanting about lawsuits over dead spirit animals or some other retarded barbarian horseshit.

Hey there, injuns; remember what happened the last time you attracted the attention of the hippies? Your best course of action here is to suck down some more firewater and go back to counting your glass beads. Leave the mental heavy lifting to those whom evolution has equipped for it.


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Cooking the Books

NOAA Relies On ‘Compromised’ Thermometers That Inflate US Warming Trend

“The majority of weather stations used by NOAA to detect climate change temperature signal have been compromised by encroachment of artificial surfaces like concrete, asphalt, and heat sources like air conditioner exhausts,” Anthony Watts, a seasoned meteorologist and lead author of the study, said in a statement Thursday.

These “compromised” weather stations run hotter than stations that are well-sited, and are used by NOAA as a benchmark to make upward adjustments for other weather stations that are part of the agency’s official temperature record.

Watts and his fellow researchers found only 410 “unperturbed” weather stations out of the 1,218 stations used by NOAA to determine U.S. climate trends. These “unperturbed” stations don’t need to be adjusted by NOAA because they had not been moved, had any equipment changes, or change in the time temperatures were observed.

Put more simply, they adjusted data from sites which had seen no infrastructure change to match the trend in sites which had seen significant infrastructure change, (i.e., urbanization), when elementary statistical analysis procedures say that it should have been done in exactly the opposite manner. There are two possible reasons for this behavior:

1) Hundreds of people at NOAA with decades of experience, scientific knowledge and specialized degrees don't understand the most basic principle of statistical analysis, or;

2) They have a political agenda which is closely related to their federal funding.

Apply Occam's Razor and see which of those possibilities remains.


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Watch the other hand carefully...

Arctic air temps highest since 1900, global report says

Meanwhile, the Antarctic is colder and the icepack is expanding faster than at any point in recorded history. Funny how the article neglects to mention that tiny little fact.

"Warming is happening more than twice as fast in the Arctic than anywhere else in the world. We know this is due to climate change..."

Do we indeed? What's your evidence of that? If it's globalized climate change, why is the Antarctic getting colder? Who is "we," anyway...

The report includes 70 authors from 10 countries, and is guided by an editorial team from the Office of Naval Research, the US Army Corps of Engineers' Cold Regions Research and Engineering Laboratory, and NOAA.

"...is guided by an editorial team..." Because that's what every scientific research project needs, an editorial committee. That tells me everything I need to know about the validity of the report: It has none.


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We're All Gonna DIIIIEEEE!!!1 (or not...)

Remember that whole "the polar ice is gonna melt and flood everything" doom-n-gloom? Well, it seems the apocalypse is being quite the spoiled child, as it isn't keeping to the agreed-upon enviro-nazi schedule:

A new NASA study found that Antarctica has been adding more ice than it's been losing, challenging other research, including that of the UN's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, that concludes that Earth’s southern continent is losing land ice overall.

In a paper published in the Journal of Glaciology on Friday, researchers from NASA's Goddard Space Flight Center, the University of Maryland in College Park, and the engineering firm Sigma Space Corporation offer a new analysis of satellite data that show a net gain of 112 billion tons of ice a year from 1992 to 2001 in the Antarctic ice sheet.

That gain slowed to 82 billion tons of ice per year between 2003 and 2008.

Climate scientists caution that these findings don’t mean it’s time to start celebrating the end of global warming. More than anything, the paper shows how difficult it is to measure ice height in Antarctica and that better tools are needed.

See how that works? When skeptics point out that the data upon which "climate change" believers are basing their hypothesis has huge margins of error due to inadequacies in the measuring equipment, we're called "deniers." But when they come across data which obstinately refuses to be hammered into their narrative, suddenly it's a problem with the equipment. Riiiight...

Be ye not concerned, however. They've found a way that all of this ice will yet cause the predicted DOOM:

The ENTIRE West Antarctic ice sheet could collapse and raise global sea levels by 10ft

Like dropping an ice cube in a glass of water. Ten feet globally, no less! Because that's exactly how it works on a planetary scale, you know. Bill Nye the Science Moron says so. Never mind that the bulk of the aforementioned expanding ice sheet is already in the water. But their hypothesis, if you want to dignify it as such, is that when the ever-growing ice sheet [Does Something™], it will result in a massive chain reaction, causing all of the ice on half of a continent to suddenly slide off into the water and turn us all into Bob...

Because that's perfectly rational, you see.




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Enviro-Stalinism

Walter Williams on the latest shenanigans of the Church of Climate Change:

It turns out that Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse, D-R.I., has called for the criminal investigation of people and organizations who are seen as global warming deniers. This would include lawsuits against the coal and oil industries, certain think tanks, and other organizations that question the global warming religion.

Classic leftist tactics: abuse criminal law to silence your political critics. Does anyone still doubt what the Democrat party has become?

On the other hand, every time global warming believers have gone into an actual courtroom, they've come out with egg on their pasty-white faces. Maybe letting this pack of pseudo-intellectuals go toe-to-toe with Big Oil lawyers is exactly what needs to happen. The ensuing legal bloodbath should prove both brutal and amusing. Cage match! No holds barred, weapons free. Get your grudge on, ladies!


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Hat-tip to Vizigoth

We're All Gonna DIIIIEEE!!!1

Just thought I'd slip you good people (and Fundy) an early warning. It's gonna be a doozy!

Chris McCann and the eBible Fellowship group predict the possible destruction of the universe on 07 OCT 2015

Yup, that's right... the WHOLE DAMNED UNIVERSE! Zip. Pfft. El gone-o. No more. So party hardy lads, for we will shortly cease to exist.

I notice the Mormons say it's already begun, this whole beginning of the end thing. Something to do with the stock market and the Chinks, I think. Of course, if you don't drink alcohol, don't drink caffeine, and have more than one wife, it's perfectly understandable that you'd be yearning for the end of the universe.


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We're All Gonna DIIIIIEEEE!!!1

Scientists Confirm Universe Is Dying

Welp, that's it, boys. Pack it in. We're fucked. No point in continuing, huh? I mean, in a few billion years, it'll all be... hold on sec:

Just because the universe is dead doesn’t mean it will no longer be here according to CNN. Astronomer Luke Davies explained it will simply stop converting matter into energy until it’s a “cold, dark and desolate place.”

Oh. So, sorta like North Dakota? Well, that's not so bad.

As another astronomerr, [two r's means he's got more junior space cadet merit badges - Ed.] Joe Liske, put it, “the universe is curling up on the sofa and becoming a couch potato.”

Well, somebody give it a swift kick in its fat ass. There are Lady Universes to woo and Little Bangs yet to be created. All of this nihilistic laying about while pissing and moaning about the futility of existence is unbecoming of a mature universe. Up and at 'em, tiger; your galaxies are goin' all pear-shaped...

Along with all of these so-called extrasolar "planets" they've supposedly found, "discoveries" such as this one are a sure sign that astronomers are just attention-starved introverts. I feel confident in asserting that if you ask a million people to list the 100 most important things in their lives, "death of the universe" will not be among the enumerated events.


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Ban Machetes!

Politicians call for tougher machete laws after park attack

Yes, because that will obviously solve the problem of psychotics attacking people with whatever is at hand. I mean, he couldn't possibly have attacked anybody with a kitchen knife or a 2x4 or a snow shovel or a fallen tree limb. Nosiree! Gotta ban those machetes! That's the answer, I tells ya!

A machete is a piece of untempered sheet steel, two small pieces of wood, and two machine screws. I can make one in my garage with hand tools -- HAND tools -- in a couple of hours. So what are you going to do? Ban sheet metal, wood and hand tools?

Stupid fucking Leftists.


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We're All Gonna DIIIIIEEEEE!!!1

Of thirst, to be precise:

Twenty-one of the world’s 37 largest aquifers — in locations from India and China to the United States and France -- have passed their sustainability tipping points, meaning more water is being removed than replaced from these vital underground reservoirs. Thirteen of 37 aquifers fell at rates that put them into the most troubled category.

“The situation is quite critical,” said Jay Famiglietti, senior water scientist at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory and the University of California Irvine-led studies’ principal investigator.

Critical! Critical, he says! So because California is in a drought, the situation is suddenly "critical"? Texas just went through an extended drought. Our aquifers were down below 10%. There were doomsters preaching from the streetcorners (well, from universities, which amounts to the same thing) how we'd sucked dry all the water like the disgusting parasites we are and that we were going to reap our just reward for causing global warming and using up all the water. The gloom at places like University of Texas was palpable. All was coming to end.

Then, earlier this year, it rained for a couple months straight. Well, wouldya lookit that?! The aquifers are back up to 80%+. Whoulda thunk?

So exactly how are they determining all these aquifers are drained? Let's take a look:

The satellites detected subtle changes in the gravitational pull of the earth’s surface. Water is exceptionally heavy and exerts a greater pull on orbiting spacecraft. As the satellites flew overhead, slight changes in aquifer water levels were charted over a decade, from 2003 to 2013.

Seriously? And your corroborating evidence to support the accuracy of this dubious method of measurement is where? Oh, right: confirmation bias.

“The water table is dropping all over the world,” Familglietti said. “There’s not an infinite supply of water.”

Actually, Jay old boy, there pretty much is an "infinite supply of water." It's a closed loop. Water isn't boiling off into space. We have this little thing called an atmosphere which prevents that. You may have heard about it. Water is conserved within that atmosphere. It may be salinated in an ocean or locked up in a glacier or part of an animal's body, but it's the same amount of water on the planet. It's merely a matter of distribution.

If you want to argue for overpopulation, there's some validity to it. But the population in Western countries (i.e., the civilized world) has been decreasing recently. So you tell me, Jay: if too much water is locked up inside human bodies, where is the problem? There's some easy math to be done here. Admittedly it will lead you to a politically incorrect conclusion, but nature and logic don't give a damn about your politics.


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Trans Fatheads

FDA orders food manufacturers to stop using trans fat within three years

The FDA is yet another power-drunk federal bureaucracy. Read why this trans fat decision is a bunch of political crap here.


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Pope Sillius

A draft of a major environmental document by Pope Francis says 'the bulk of global warming' is caused by human activity.

Says the guy who believes in a Giant Man in the Sky. Says the guy whose organization hounded the very scent of science as heresy for the better part of a millennium. No go, funny hat boy; your opinion on any matter involving science is automatically invalid.

the pope takes climate change deniers to task

I'm not a denier, you're a believer. I simply remain skeptical. The scientific method is on my side, not yours. YOU are making an extraordinary claim which requires extraordinary evidence. The burden of proof rests with YOU, not me.


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Drought It

Kevin Williamson writes in National Review about the lefty outrage over the California drought -- which they reflexively and ignorantly blame on global warming climate change, of course:

The actual challenges presented by the threat of global warming look a lot more like California’s current situation than Waterworld or The Day After Tomorrow. As a matter of political rhetoric, it is attractive to frame the choice as a matter of affiliation: Cast your lot with the truth-speaking scientists on one side or the oil-addicted pre-Enlightenment goobers on the other. The actual choice is between making a naïve attempt to reorganize the world’s economy — an attempt that certainly will fail — and embarking on a series of discrete, manageable adaptations, such as improving the water-management facilities of millions of people who live, let’s remember, in a desert. The Left’s potted moral outrage notwithstanding, that isn’t a brief for denial, but a brief for adaptation. And if the Left really believed half as much in global warming as its rhetoric suggests, its leaders would be moving forward with a robust program for adaptation — especially in California, a large and prosperous jurisdiction that is under nearly complete progressive political control.

"Climate change," of course, has nothing at all to do with climate science, it's about control. It is a reflection of the fact that millions of dupes are more than willing to give up their economic and personal freedoms to authority in exchange for token amounts of ego validation -- a fact which the powers-that-be in the Democrat party recognized many years ago.

It's really quite a straightforward three-step process for psychological control of large groups of people:

1) Tell that portion of the population which is of middling intelligence that following your lead makes them smart and well-informed. Deep down, most of them know this to be untrue, but they desperately want to believe it. This is the result of a fundamental character flaw, often stemming from a nascent inferiority complex, and it makes them ideal for your needs.

2) Being that they're none too bright, it's a relatively simple matter to concoct some complicated pseudo-intellectual horse manure, write it down in a complex alternate language of which these dupes have no functional understanding -- mathematics, for example -- then watch as they proceed to tell everyone around them about this great new Truth of which they have been Enlightened.

3) Shout down any objections to your viewpoint as the backward babbling of the ignorant, ridicule the opposition as benighted and deceived, all while stroking the fur of your trained minions, and you can get away with murder. Literally, in some cases.

Now substitute "Latin" for "mathematics" in the above process and read it again. It's a functional description of another massive psychological manipulation in human history: the medieval Catholic Church. In fact, with only very minor alterations, that process can explain any number of examples of mass hysteria throughout history, from the Mormons to the UFO movement. Easily manipulated people are all the same; only the goals of those doing the manipulating ever change.


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Uplifting

Iceland is on the rise. The actual island, not their shitty economy:

Sea levels aren’t the only things rising due to climate change — swaths of land are too, including the nation of Iceland.

That’s according to a new study published by a team of geologists from the University of Arizona. According to their research, the melting of Iceland’s glaciers has reduced pressure on the ground beneath them, causing the land to “rebound” from the Earth’s crust.

“You can’t make any statistics from those few data points of course, but you do notice there might be a connection with the uplift,” Hreinsdottir said.

Which didn't stop the true believers of the Church of Anthropogenic Global Warming Climate Change from making an illogical quantum leap based upon exactly those few data points. Never mind that the glaciers in Antarctica are increasing in size even faster than the ones in the Arctic are melting; that doesn't fit The Narrative. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with the cycles of that giant fusion reactor at the center of the solar system, of course. Or maybe undiscovered mechanisms of vulcanism deep in the mantle. Perhaps tectonic processes which we've only barely begun to comprehend...

Nope. Can't be any of that stuff. It's Big Oil causing it, and that's settled science because High Priest Albert the Hutt has decreed it to be so! Burn the heretics! Crucify the apostate!


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You're Hot and You're Cold...

Cherry-pickin':

The numbers are in. The year 2014 – after shattering temperature records that had stood for hundreds of years across virtually all of Europe, and roasting parts of South America, China and the Russian far east – was the hottest on record, with global temperatures 1.24F (0.69C) higher than the 20th century average, US government scientists said on Friday.

A day after international researchers warned human activities had pushed the planet to the brink, new evidence of climate change arrived. The world was the hottest it has been since systematic records began in 1880, especially on the oceans, which the agency confirmed were the driver of 2014’s temperature rise.

Hold on a minute! When all of us "global warming deniers" (i.e., people who understand the scientific method) pointed out that we had the coldest winter in recorded history a couple years ago, we were told that "you can't cherry pick data out of long term trends" and "that's just weather, not climate." What about all that huff? Oh, right; it doesn't fit YOUR narrative, so it's meaningless.


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The Public School Polka

/boggle

A Mobile, Ala., mom says school officials forced her daughter to sign a contract promising not to commit suicide or harm others after the kindergartner "drew something that resembled a gun," then pointed a crayon at another kid and said "pew, pew!"

5-year-old Elizabeth was sent home after school officials made her take a questionnaire evaluating her for suicidal thoughts, then had her sign the safety contract promising to contact an adult if she was thinking of suicide or homicide.

I'm not even sure what to say. I'm having difficulty getting my brain to operate in the World of Abject Stupidity in which these school administrators apparently live.


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Beaching the Walrus

Walruses are coming ashore in huge packs up in Alaska. Guess what's causing it. Oh, go on... guess:

“The walruses are telling us what the polar bears have told us and what many indigenous people have told us in the high Arctic, and that is that the Arctic environment is changing extremely rapidly and it is time for the rest of the world to take notice and also to take action to address the root causes of climate change.”

Well bully! It's our old pal Climate Change! We haven't seen him in... hours. I guess he tired of aggravating the volcano and decided to beach a walrus. (Hrm. Are those euphemisms for...? No. Never mind.)

This summer, the sea ice’s annual low point was the sixth smallest since satellite monitoring began in 1979.

Uh-huh. What about the record sea ice formation around Antarctica? WHAT ABOUT THE RECORD SEA ICE FORMATION AROUND ANTARCTICA?! Not one mention of that in the article. I guess it doesn't Fit The Narrative, huh? Would that be An Inconvenient Truth?


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They're all gonna DIE!!!!1

It's us, you see. We're killing all the animals. So say these Swiss-type people:

About 3,000 species of wildlife around the world have seen their numbers plummet far worse than previously thought, according to a new study by one of the world's biggest environmental groups. The study Tuesday from the Swiss-based WWF largely blamed human threats to nature for a 52 percent decline in wildlife populations between 1970 and 2010.

A quick reminder who we're dealing with here: these are the douchebags who sued in order to force the World Wrestling Federation to change their name, as these great lovers of wildlife are oh-so-compassionate and sophisticated and therefore did not want to have the same acronym as those brutish wrestling people. Too low-brow, you understand. Savin' da animules iz SRS BIDNIZ!

[The sue-happy hive of pompous douchebags] says improved methods of measuring populations of fish, birds, mammals, amphibians and reptiles explain the huge difference from the 28-percent decline between 1970 and 2008 that the group reported in 2012.

Oh? "Improved methods," is it? I see. Would those be the "methods" whereby you recognize you're not receiving enough donations and extorted taxpayer money to fund your fancy office building and buy a new yacht (purely for investigative purposes, natch), and so you finger-fuck the numbers in order to grab a headline, thus stirring up a little alarm amongst the none-too-bright greenie-weenies and animal rights activists? Yes, the Democrat Party are experts at that particular methodology. Y'all should do lunch.

"There is no room for complacency," said WWF International Director General Marco Lambertini, calling for a greater focus on sustainable solutions to the impact people are inflicting on nature, particularly through the release of greenhouse gases.

Oh, of course! It's global warming Climate Change! Not only does it cause volcanoes and make New Jersey look like... well, like New Jersey -- but it kills all the cute, fluffy, round-eyed animals too! BAD Climate Change! BAD!

Hey Mr Lambertini, oh International Director General of Hyperbolic Douchebaggery, lemme clue you in on a little secret, buddy: humans are part of nature. We are not "inflicting" anything "on nature"; we ARE nature. Now go away, lest we force you to watch as we deep-fry baby elephant steaks in non-recyclable oil.


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Look! Up There! It's Climate Change!

Climate Change is the bees knees, boy-o! Plagues, wars, ice ages, flooding, hurricanes, tornadoes, pestilence, famine, and now volcanoes! Apparently Climate Change (ne global warming) is the Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse. Climate Change is so cool! Is there anything it can't do? Dad, I want to be JUST LIKE Climate Change when I grow up!

But seriously, folks: if you're so gullible you'll believe that your neighbor's SUV is causing an increase in volcanic activity, you need to go back to the fifth grade and start over.


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Hat-tip To Vizigoth