We're All Gonna DIIIIIEEEE!!!1

Scientists Confirm Universe Is Dying

Welp, that's it, boys. Pack it in. We're fucked. No point in continuing, huh? I mean, in a few billion years, it'll all be... hold on sec:

Just because the universe is dead doesn’t mean it will no longer be here according to CNN. Astronomer Luke Davies explained it will simply stop converting matter into energy until it’s a “cold, dark and desolate place.”

Oh. So, sorta like North Dakota? Well, that's not so bad.

As another astronomerr, [two r's means he's got more junior space cadet merit badges - Ed.] Joe Liske, put it, “the universe is curling up on the sofa and becoming a couch potato.”

Well, somebody give it a swift kick in its fat ass. There are Lady Universes to woo and Little Bangs yet to be created. All of this nihilistic laying about while pissing and moaning about the futility of existence is unbecoming of a mature universe. Up and at 'em, tiger; your galaxies are goin' all pear-shaped...

Along with all of these so-called extrasolar "planets" they've supposedly found, "discoveries" such as this one are a sure sign that astronomers are just attention-starved introverts. I feel confident in asserting that if you ask a million people to list the 100 most important things in their lives, "death of the universe" will not be among the enumerated events.


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