Meaty Treats

How to get rid of stupid people:



A remotely-operated latch on that door and the human race improves measurably. You could probably dispose of several dozen per day via this method. Unfortunately, stupid people breed faster than smart people. Which means we're going to need a lot more lions.


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Selfie Stupidity

Stupid chick mauled by jaguar.

She climbed over a barrier at a wildlife park and tried to take a selfie with a jaguar. Says Stupid Chick after receiving multiple wounds from the less-than-amused feline:

"It hurts, it hurts," she says.

Yes, stupid often does.

As you may have surmised from the fact that she was still saying stupid shit afterwards, she survived the experience. That is most unfortunate, as she will no doubt go on to spawn several copies of her stupid self, thus perpetuating the curse under which Western civilization is constantly laboring.


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Free Willy!

Canadian man killed by whale after rescuing it

That's gratitude for you, eh?


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Drive Thru

Oh, look at the pretty lions. Glad I'm safe in this car...




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Shark Tank

Many popular beaches in Australia are closed this summer (remember, they're upside down) due to multiple sightings of 16+ ft great white sharks close in to shore. They've been more aggressive than normal, killing dolphins and causing general movie-like mayhem. Naturally a few genetic back-markers are defying the closings. Here's a video of two idiots in a 10 ft fishing boat taking smartphone (the most grossly misnamed device in human history) video of a 16-footer circling and nudging their boat. It apparently never occurred to them that they should: 1) Pull their bait out of the water and; 2) Start the engine and GTFOutta dodge. Future nature snacks, I'm pretty certain.

Speaking of the mentally deficient, the article goes on to quote a woman who claims to be an "environmental psychologist." Forthwith:

An environmental psychologist, Dr Susie Burke, sees the shark frenzy of the past weeks as a teachable moment. “It’s a great opportunity to show we aren’t really in charge, that we aren’t the only stakeholders,” she says. “We have to consider how to adapt to our environment, rather than dominate our environment.”

Susie, there's this thing called a food chain. By bent of our large brains (more my ancestors than yours, apparently) and opposable thumbs, we're in charge of the planet. That's because we can kill and eat any animal on it easily and at will. I think the most enduring "teachable moment" we could claim from this "opportunity" would come about if you were to smear yourself in liverwurst and go for a nice long swim at a shark-infested beach. Or perhaps the mouth-breathers in the boat could give you a head start on finding one of those toothy "stakeholders." Either way, I'm pretty certain no one is going to miss the half-penny advice of an environmental psychologist.


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Darwin Loves...

...camels?

Humped to death by a pet camel

A randy camel has killed its woman owner after apparently trying to mate with her. Husband Noel, who gave her the camel as a 60th birthday present in March, returned home to discover his wife’s body on Saturday.

The camel was wandering loose in the back yard. The animal had a history of erratic behaviour, often trying to straddle other species including the family’s pet goat.

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Hat-tip to Jeff W.

Darwin Loves...

...Islam:

An Algerian man bought a big ram to sacrifice it on Eid Al Adha. Instead, the ram sacrificed the man when he butted him to death.

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Darwin Loves...

...snakes.

Cobra, hold the Shelby:

A snake breeder has died after being bitten by one of his venomous reptiles. Police are investigating the death of the man in his 40s in Eastwood, Nottingham, today.

He is believed to be Luke Yeomans, a snake breeder who was due to open the King Cobra Sanctuary breeding colony to the public this weekend.

"Hey, kids! Let's all pile into the car this weekend and go to the cobra breeding pits! Fun!"

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Snakey Snack

"Check out my cool s-*gUrk!*"

Byrne, 34, was critically injured while showing his pet snake to a female friend in his apartment at 635 S. Washington St. The snake, estimated by authorities to be 9 feet long and weighing 25 pounds, wrapped around Byrne's neck and began strangling him.

Byrne's roommate unsuccessfully tried to pry the snake loose. Officers from the Papillion Police Department finally pulled the snake off Byrne and began CPR, but he died later at Midlands Community Hospital.

Nice boa, man! Uh, shouldn't it have feathers or something...?

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Darwin loves...

...sharks.

"Oh, look! Shark-infested waters! Let's swim waaaaay out and see what happens."

Idiot.

They're Grrrrrreat!

No good deed goes uneaten:

After winning a lengthy legal battle for the right to keep exotic pets, the Canadian owner of a tiger has been mauled to death by the 300kg cat.

Kitty Kibbles

Hors d'oeuvres!

A man suffered injuries to his arms after he and a friend hopped the fence at a Canadian zoo early on Monday and stuck his hands into the tiger exhibit...

"He did not enter the exhibit, but did come into contact with one of the tigers and sustained significant injuries to his arms," the zoo said in a statement.

[The] injured man was treated before being rushed to hospital.

Don't be a quitter, buddy! Bring wire cutters next time.

Mindless Bird

Several years ago, it was a stupid hippie chick trying to force sunbathing seals back into the water. Today, we have some blinkered cow trying to catch a wild emu:

A Florida Panhandle woman was flown to the hospital after being clawed by a wild emu she was trying to corral. The woman, who was not identified, purportedly wanted to take it to an animal shelter. An emergency responder said the incident didn't seem like an attack — the animal was just trying to protect itself.

Actually, the emu was trying to do the human race a favor. It failed, unfortunately.

Since this has become a pretty common theme, I've decided to institute a new tag celebrating people who volunteer to recycle their protein.

Stealin' from Chuck

Volunteer snack snatched away from polar bear:

A man jumped into the Berlin zoo enclosure of famed polar bear Knut on Monday, but officials were able to keep the animal away from the intruder by distracting him with a leg of beef, police said. The 37-year-old man jumped over a fence into a water-filled ditch at the edge of the bear's enclosure Monday morning, police said in a statement.

Zoo keepers, who had just let Knut into his outdoor enclosure, were able to lure the bear back into his cage by producing a leg of beef.

Police said the man, a German, was less cooperative, initially ignoring instructions to leave the enclosure. He was led away unharmed but, although he was soaked and cold, he refused to undergo a medical checkup.

Police said that, before being let go, the man told them that he felt lonely and the bear appeared lonely, too.

Mr. Darwin may seem a likeable enough fellow, but I warn you Berlin police-types that if you keep robbing him of his just due, Dr. Charles will quickly turn into Mr. Chucky. You do not want to get on his bad side.

Bear Hug

Uncle Chuck missed one:

A panda at a zoo in southern China attacked a student who snuck into its pen hoping for a cuddle with the endangered bear, state media said Saturday.

"Yangyang was so cute and I just wanted to cuddle him," Liu was quoted as saying from his hospital bed. "I didn't expect he would attack."

We really should create a "swing-and-a-miss" subcategory for the Darwin Awards.

EDIT: Or maybe "foul ball" would be more appropriate...

Darwin Loves...

...pythons.

Croc Bait

Yet another morsel of muzzie stupidity. One wonders if they're competing with each other to create the Dumbest Religious Ritual Ever:

Bangladesh police say a crocodile killed and ate a 25-year-old after he waded into a pond next to a shrine in an attempt to receive the animal’s blessing...

Consider yourself blessed. Oh, and you get a Darwin Award. Gratz!

Darwin Loves

Pachy...packi...paqa..aww hell..elephants

SRIKAKULAM: A herd of wild elephants on the rampage in the forest areas of Srikakulam and Vizianagaram districts claimed yet another victim, this time a reporter working for a Telugu daily, on Friday.

Wait for it.....

Disregarding the advice of forest officials, the four scribes had gone to take photographs of the herd in the Hussainapuram reserve forest area, near Veeraghatam in the early hours.
According to one of the reporters, they suddenly came almost face to face with the elephant herd. One journalist triggered a flash on his camera which proved to be a red rag for the pachyderms. With a deafening roar, they immediately charged at the fear-stricken journalists who ran helter-skelter. Only three managed to escape.

He stuck the landing! I feel sorry for the elephant though. Now he's got idiot all over his feet and you know how hard that is to clean off.

Lions and Tigers and...

Alas, no bears...

A lion and a tiger kept as exotic pets on the roof of a Mexican meat processing plant killed a man feeding them on Monday...

[The] lion swiped at him through the bars of its cage and pulled him inside... The tiger then joined in the attack.

Fajitas!

Darwin Loves...

...cheetahs:

An animal lover was mauled to death by cheetahs after entering their cage at a zoo in northern Belgium, authorities and zoo officials said Monday.

Authorities believe Aerts, a regular visitor to the zoo, hid in the park late Sunday until it closed and managed to find the keys to the cheetah cage.

One of the cats that killed Aerts was named Bongo, whom the woman had adopted under a special program. She paid for Bongo's food, Libot said.

One Darwin burger, (made from genuine ground Chuck), comin' right up! You want a bag of Cheetos with that?

Animal rights group GAIA called for the immediate closure of the zoo, located 55 miles northeast of Brussels, saying it was unsafe for both visitors and the cats.

Well, it's certainly not safe for idiots, anyway.

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(Hat-tip to Shark)