Ban Everything!

Not satisfied with banning peanut butter, some schools are now moving to ban the on-campus sale of milk--because two kids out of hundreds are allergic to it.

I don't know about you, but I went to school with lots of kids who were lactose intolerant. Several of my friends were so, in fact. I served side-by-side with such people in the Corps. I went to college with them. I even work with some of them right now, in this very office. To the best of my knowledge, not one of them has ever even considered proposing that the sale and service of milk be banned in cafeterias, mess halls, or convenience stores. Not one. Do you know why? Because every one of them knows not to drink milk.

But wait! It appears that the peanut allergy is linked to breast milk. Ah-ha! Milk again! Of course you see the blatantly obvious conspiracy here, don't you? It's time to ban breasts! All females must report immediately to your nearest convenient hospital for immediate emergency breast removal. I mean, we can't have even the possibility that some poor, innocent baby might be breast fed by some irresponsible, child-hating mother who just selfishly wolfed down a PBJ, now can we? Think of the children, won't you?

I've got it; let's just ban everything. Yup, everything. We'll round all the sharp corners off of the entire universe, and we'll all just sit right where we're at, waiting to die. After all, if we move, we may be killed!