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Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Somebody's a smart-ass...

Call out the hazmat truck

Straight from Monty Python's Flying Circus, an emergency excrement expurgation in Exeter...

Exeter City Council's rapid response cleansing team swung into action when a "considerable amount of excrement" was found on a Cowick Street pavement. The team were alerted to the discovery next to the First and Last bus stop on Friday by St Thomas councillor Rob Hannaford, after worried residents and businesses contacted him.

Cllr Hannaford said: "This was just horrendous; the mess was everywhere. Because of the prodigious quantity we were unsure if it was animal or human waste."

"As this is a such busy area I requested that a crew come out and action it as priority, which they did.

"It was all made much worse as the area has several well used hairdressing salons and it was very degrading for many local ladies who had come out for their regular appointments to then have to come into contact with the mess."


Salon ladies circulating in the general vicinity of excrement?! The horror, the horror!

I guess pulling out a water hose and washing the sidewalk down was out of the question. Much easier to call the government and complain about it...

Brainy

Are you left-brained or right-brained? Take this test to find out. I don't put much faith in the results, since the "test" is very brief and even a child could see obvious fallacies in their methodology, but it's mildly entertaining.

According to my results, I'm well-balanced. Anyone who has ever known me for more than a few minutes would probably argue that I am notably unbalanced, but I guess that's a different matter.

Tuesday, February 09, 2016

In case you're tempted...

Monday, February 08, 2016

DIY Weave

MerchantBus

Apparently unsatisfied with the PopeMobile, the worshipers of Cathol have themselves an RV called the MercyBus. It's a mobile confession station...



A quick bus ride will get you a shiny clean soul! Well, a ride and ten percent of your income.

Reasons



In case you still bother with making up reasons to drink. I'm long past that point.

Hot Ride

This Ferrari 335 Scaglietti broke the record for auto auctions on Friday when it sold for €32 million -- that's $36 million in real money. Fairly oozes sex, don't it?

Friday, February 05, 2016

Is that a platypus in your drainpipe or...?

"Percy the platypus" was rescued and safely delivered by one of our off duty Train Controllers to Australia Zoo



The platypus is one of those things which can lead an otherwise scientifically-minded secular humanist such as myself to question the theory of evolution. There are two possibilities:

1) Through an unimaginably complex series of highly unlikely mutations, millions of years of natural selection produced a rat with a duck bill and the tail of a beaver.

2) God turned to the Holy Spirit and said, "Hold my beer and watch this shit."

Bribery

Paid to obey the law:

They say crime doesn't pay, but that might not be entirely true in the District of Columbia as lawmakers look for ways to discourage people from becoming repeat offenders.

The D.C. Council voted unanimously Tuesday to approve a bill that includes a proposal to pay residents a stipend not to commit crimes. It's based on a program in Richmond, California, that advocates say has contributed to deep reductions in crime there.

Under the bill, city officials would identify up to 200 people a year who are considered at risk of either committing or becoming victims of violent crime. Those people would be directed to participate in behavioral therapy and other programs. If they fulfill those obligations and stay out of trouble, they would be paid.


Meh. Might work in the land of fruits and nuts, but it obviously doesn't work in D.C. We've been paying the people we send there for decades to uphold the law and look where that got us.

Seriously, though... The core problem with bribery is that the bribed never stay bribed; there's always a better opportunity.


___
Hat-tip to Jeff W.

PL-01

This is the new Polish PL-01 tank. Damned thing looks like it's straight out of a sci-fi movie. Adaptive armor plating, active missile defenses... Guess the Poles really don't want the Russkies coming back into their house.

Darwin Loves...

...cheeseburgers:

A father of three choked to death as he tried to eat a McDonald's cheeseburger in one mouthful, an inquest has heard.

Darren Bray, 29, of Barry, Vale of Glamorgan, blacked out as he ate the 99p burger following a night out with friends in October 2015. Cardiff Coroner's Court heard Mr Bray, who had been drinking, but not enough to affect his judgement, died from a blockage to his airway.

The hearing was told Mr Bray said "watch this" to his friends as he squashed the burger in half and put it in his mouth.


"Not enough to affect his judgement"? So this was an example of rational and deliberate thinking on his part? Good riddance.

Unfortunately he'd already spawned (thrice), so no Darwin Award for him. Notice how the story led with "a father of three" in an attempt to set a sympathetic tone. When I see leads like that, I know we're dealing with a fucking idiot. Ex-idiot, in this case.

Friend Sam Bisgrove said: "I could see him trying to cough it up and he was making horrible coughing noises.

"I tried to hit his back to help him clear his airway."


Apparently his friends are morons, as well. I learned the Heimlich maneuver in the fourth grade. It takes about 60 seconds to teach even a child how to do it, but all Sam could do was pound his back like a half-wit retard. I'd say that entire table was a natural selection grenade target.

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Labels:

Wednesday, February 03, 2016

Okay...

Tuesday, February 02, 2016

Kid Inventions

An inventor in England took kids' wild ideas, enlisted the help of local artisans, and made them into real objects. The results are often whimsical, as you'd expect from young children, but some are quite clever -- such as this adjustable lamp shade:



Others, like this Pringles hook, are downright awesome:



Seriously, Kellogg needs to hire 11 year old Georgia Dinsley into their R&D department. That's genius. Not that my fat ass really needs a device which would increase the rate at which I stuff Pringles into my maw.

More here.

Sanders' Socialist Supporters

Friday, January 29, 2016

Dainty

Ski Cunt



Unfortunately, that sort of person isn't limited to skiing. You can find them in every hobby and activity. Hell, you'll probably find one when you go to lunch today, talking loudly on his cell phone so EVERYONE WILL KNOW THAT HE'S WORKING AND THEREFORE BETTER THAN YOU.

Cunt.

Missed it by that much...

An Austrian tourist slipped and fell into a well while attempting to take a selfie in the Indian city of Junagadh

She was rescued. You keep trying, sweetie. Your Uncle Chucky's waiting to welcome you with open arms.

One o' these days, Alice...

Driverless bus trial in Netherlands is first on public roads

Looks like Ralph Kramden is out of a job. All of you burger flippers demanding $15/hour are next. I suggest you learn how to build robots.