Reaping Time

The American public school system continues to deteriorate, as a fourth-grade teacher gives his class an essay assignment to describe how he should treat the group of little asshats. Good for him; it should become a mandatory assignment for all classes, of all ages. Just maybe they'd look before they leaped, in the future.

But it's not the kids who are the real root of the problem:

Melissa Parker, whose 9-year-old son is in the unidentified teacher's class at Norbert Rillieux Elementary School, said the essay was distributed to the class last week and was supposed to be returned to the teacher that day. However, some students brought the essay home.

"I was outraged and I was upset," Parker said. "I'm thinking, you shouldn't be a teacher if you hate kids."

Anyone care to take bets that little Mr. Parker is the biggest, loudest, most annoying hellion in the class?

But if you think Mz. Parker is whining now, just wait until the teachers inevitably start going on strike. The howling, wailing and gnashing of teeth will reach epic proportions, as the parents realize that they now have to deal with the little monsters they've created.

Both of my parents were public school teachers, now happily (deliriously so, in fact) retired. My girlfriend is a teacher. Half of my friends are teachers. I was talked out of teaching by my parents. Believe me when I tell you the system is headed for a meltdown. When it finally does fail, it will be sudden and catastrophic. At that point, the lousy parents and politicians who created this mess will instantly point their fingers at the teachers--who will yawn and point right back at them.

The only way--only way--the slide will ever be stopped, and the schools restored to their former prestige and effectiveness, is if the paddles are put back into the teachers' hands, both literally and figuratively. If the teacher has no authority, the kids know it. Like a pack of hyenas, they can sense vulnerability on an instinctive level. Until that vulnerability is corrected, the teachers have no teeth. It's very difficult, if not outright impossible, to teach in such an environment.

However, it's ultimately not the teachers who are going to get hurt by all of this social experimentation. Oh, they'll take the abuse in the short term, but only for so long. They are, after all, human. As it becomes more and more apparent to businessmen that the product of the schools is incapable of performing in a work environment, and thus more and more job openings are created, the teachers will be in the catbird seat. You see, they've got an education. They can leave at any time and go to the private sector, where they'll make more money.

Meanwhile, Mz. Parker and her ilk, who wouldn't dream of laying a hand on their precious little bundles of joy, will be stuck with an undisciplined, fat, egotistical, immature twit who'll never move out of the house and never get a self-supporting job. Have fun with that, Mz. Parker; you made the bed. Just remember that your child feels good about himself. After all, you insisted that his teachers spend all their time reinforcing his ego, rather than teaching him to cope with reality.

The social liberals, soft-handed parents, and poltical sops who have created the disaster that is modern education have also created an untenable employment environment. We're already seeing the leading edges of the effect here in the corporate world, as competent, educated applicants become fewer and further between. Inevitably, the miasma has started to bleed over into the colleges; how can you expect the little darlings to perform in college when such was never required of them before? Besides, there are all those tenures to pay... Just pass the students, so long as it keeps Mommy and Daddy writing those outrageous tuition checks. Sure, give them a sheepskin--even if they can't perform basic algebraic functions, or divine the difference between "then" and "than," much less write a properly-structured sentence. Never mind the effect on our country's future. Just keep that money flowing into the Ivory Tower.

The American educational edifice, from its kindergarten foundations all the way up to its doctoral spires, is rotten, corrupt, and teetering like a house made of old, bent, ear-marked playing cards. The unavoidable toppling is only a matter of the stopwatch. It's a good thing my salary will go up to compensate for the lack of qualified personnel in the future workforce, since I'll be supporting an entire generation (maybe more) on the dole for the rest of their useless lives.

I'm no seer, but I can predict one thing with absolute certainty: some future historian will look back at the late 20th- and early 21st-century American public education system and wonder aloud to himself, "What the hell were they thinking?!"