Monster Tales

You can't build a road there! It's a monster lair!

A mythical swamp monster "hiding" under Auckland is threatening to derail a project to improve the New Zealand city's traffic gridlock.

The North Island city is trying to move ahead with a multibillion-dollar railway tunnel project to improve the minimal train network and free up its car-filled streets.

But Horotiu, a mythical monster, put the $NZ2.6 billion project in doubt after an indigenous Maori board protested that it would destroy grounds once patrolled by the make-believe taniwha, pronounced tani-fa.

Glenn Wilcox, a member of the Maori Statutory Board, which protects Maori interests, complained that the plan did not take into account the monster, which "was here first".

While my ancestors were inventing steam engines and central heating and photography, the Maori, Samoans, and other indigenous Pacific Island Idiots were still sticking bones through their noses and performing ungi-bungi dances around the campfire. Now you understand why.

The board accepted its needs had been met but not before it was invoiced thousands of dollars for public relations advice relating to the monster.

Ah-HA! Fleece the white man with stupid native stories. Maybe he have fire water and shiny beads...