Thudguard

I find that even my not-inconsiderable linguistic skills are inadequate to convey the incredible level of idiocy involved here. As if bicycle helmets weren't enough of an abomination. You know what's worse? The price: $37.99 + $14.25 P&P.

She'll probably make millions. Depressingly, there seem to be an unlimited number of vapid soccer-moms, and that's a whole lotta stupid. And when their precious, over-protected snowflakes have turned into 40-year old hypochondriac lumps of protoplasm who refuse to leave home and simply must have the crust cut off the bread of their sandwiches, guess whose fault it will be? Why, the government, of course!

Alright, I'm sure that somebody just read this and is red-faced mad. Someone who has a sob-story about how their little angel did a triple-gainer faceplant into a re-bar and put a dent the size of lower Manhattan in their empty skull, and now has to slurp pureed doodle-bugs through a cocktail straw. Come on! You're out there, I know you are... I'd really love to hear you whine nasally about how insensitive and moronic I am. Don't be shy; out with it!