Treetotaler

An inebriated mascot at Stanford:

A rowdy Stanford University mascot was fired after being discovered drunk during a basketball game, university officials said.

Fifth-year senior Erin Lashnits, who dresses as a tree for the university's irreverent band, was stripped of her duties last week after her blood-alcohol level was measured at 0.157 during a men's basketball game.

Nothing worse than a drunken tree. Well, except maybe this guy:

"We don't want to risk our core mission of rocking out and bringing funk to the funkless," [band spokesman] Sam Urmy said.

Merely uttering that sentence qualifies you for a third-degree beating, Mr. Urmy.