Be A Sport

An Austrian soccer team was accused of cheating--after losing 20 to nothing.

To be fair, the headline is a bit misleading. What they're actually accused of is conspiracy to fix the results of a tournament, but the original writer took liberties with the headline to sensationalize it. (Which, as we all know, journalists never do.)

Karl Kaplan, president of the Burgenland Football Federation, has announced a special inquiry.

He said: "I want to make sure that our second division football does not become a national laughing stock."

Don't worry, Karl; we Americans are already laughing at your "second division 'football,'" and have been for years--along with every other "professional" soccer team in the world. You see, here in the states, soccer is a children's sport. We have real sports for people who possess acutal athletic talent. Professional basketball, by the way, should not be confused with a real sport; it's merely a ploy to get all the biggest, ugliest, dumbest and meanest street thugs consolidated so we can throw them all in jail at once. We've nearly reached critical mass with that plan, by the way.