Sock Her

The Massachusetts State Legislature, in an attempt to turn every kid in the state into a whiny, soft-handed fop, is contemplating forcing all soccer players to wear helmets. And to stop hitting the ball with their heads, as well. All because some incompetent parents let their kid tumble down the stairs half a century ago.

It's no doubt because soccer is already such a dangerous sport... I mean, you might twist your ankle or something.

The Marine Corps solved the primary problem with soccer (namely, that it could drive nuns to commit murder out of sheer, mind-numbing, teeth-gnashing boredom) years ago, by creating Combat Soccer. Essentially, you stuff a mesh laundry bag with three sets of cammies (combat utilities), tie it into an over-sized blackjack, and every player carries one onto the field. Don't have the footwork to take the ball away from that score-hound? No prob; just whack him upside the grape real hard and take the ball away when he tumbles into a heap. God, I loved that game...

If you think that sounds violent, you should see a nice match of Marine Corps Deathball: one football field, one dodge ball, an infantry platoon divided in half, and only one rule: score. Actually, the brigade commander shut that one down after a particularly virulent match landed about six Marines in the infirmary in one morning. It was hella-fun, though!