DOOOOM, they say!

Well, the ozone hole promptly closed itself up, the trees in South America are still growing faster than they can be cut down, the asteroids keep missing us (damned useless rocks that they are), and people everywhere are finally looking at global warming climate change with a critical eye, taking note of the shabby clothes and the illiterate cardboard sign it's holding as it panhandles on the street corner. What's a conscientious little birkenstock-wearing activist to do? Worry not stinky people, because there's a New Doom on the horizon: plastic. Yes, we're all going to die of plastic in the oceans.

The first step of course in confronting the irresistible tide of global change from plastic, will be the mad scramble of dozens of film stars, thousands of research scientists, tens of thousands of environmental activists, and hundreds of thousands of gullible young who, while pretending to get an education, will demand government grants be made available to study the problem.

And count on the scientists to do their part to confront the problem.

Valiant public servants that they are, they’ll devote countless “person-hours” to writing grant proposals, having conferences at hotels they otherwise couldn’t afford, and acting like they really work, all while wearing corduroy pants and flannel shirts in solidarity with those recently denied access to free birth control chemicals—that are subsequently peed into the oceans.

The man-scientists, of course, will likely wear something a bit more effeminate in solidarity with urban hipsterism.

In this effort, scientists of ALL genders will be funded by dozens of film stars, tens of thousands of gullible environmental activists; but not the hundreds of thousands of gullible young, who, while pretending to get an education, will instead buy pot and beer with money sent from home.

It's a Cause, man! You gotta have a Cause! Otherwise, life just ain't worth living. Well, except for beer. And pot.

Dude, you know what's great about this doom, man? Plastic is a byproduct of oil! OIL, man! It's the goddamned Republicans destroying the planet! A G A I N ! Now, where's my "NO BLOOD FOR OIL" sign? I know I saw it around here somewhere, lying under a mountain of Cheetos bags. Maybe I can rework it to get plastic in there somehow...


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