Aiiighhh!!! We're all gonna DIIIIIIIE!!!11

Doooomed, they say!

American eaters, let's talk about the birds and the bees: The U.S. food supply—from chickens injected with arsenic to dying bee colonies—is under unprecedented siege from a blitz of man-made hazards, meaning some of your favorite treats someday may vanish from your plate, experts say.

"We are in the midst of dramatic assault on the security of the food supply," said Dr. Robert S. Lawrence, director of the Center for a Livable Future, part of the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health. The group promotes ecological research into the nexus of diet, food production, environment and human health.

Heavier than normal spring rains have put the corn crop far behind schedule: Only 28 percent of corn fields have been planted this year compared with 85 percent at this time in 2012, according to the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Meanwhile, drought in the Southeastern plains and a poor hay yield have culled the U.S. cattle and calf herd to its lowest level since 1952, propelling the wholesale price of a USDA cut of choice beef to a new high on May 3—$201.68 per 100 pounds, eclipsing the old mark of $201.18 from October 2003, the USDA reports.

The primary culprit of all this menu mayhem is climate change...

That's right, it's global warming "climate change." Because never before in the entire history of humanity have we ever experienced droughts or floods or heat waves or blizzards. Everything was just hunky-dory, never-changing, steady on until dawn -- right up until the first Evil Capitalist built the first Factory of Darkness, staffed it with weeping children, and faced east to pray to his lord Sauron. That's when everything suddenly spun off into the void of Anger, Desolation, and Gnashing Teeth, all be-ridden with white angst and guilt. If we do not soon mend our gorging, unfeeling ways, why Gaia herself will rise up and Smite us most Righteously!

Doomed, I say to you! So take that cupcake outta your mouth and think about the planet, you selfish pig. If you don't, we'll send out the Bloomberg/Hopkins brown shirts to pour Evian down your throat and strap you to a (non-powered) treadmill. And there will you languish in misery, until you slim up and see the wonderful qualities of moderate amounts of unflavored tofu -- organically grown in underprivileged countries, of course.


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