Gloom, Despair, and Helium on me

Mr President, we must not allow a helium gap!

Tom Welton, a professor of sustainable chemistry at Imperial College, London, believes that a global shortage of helium means it should be used more carefully.

Prof Welton told BBC Radio 4's Today programme: "We're not going to run out of helium tomorrow - but on the 30 to 50 year timescale we will have serious problems of having to shut things down if we don't do something in the mean time."

Of course you see what he's really saying: The Mayans are going to steal the world's helium supply and use it to build a global warming accelerator -- which will also be an asteroid magnet! Ahhhhh! We're all gonna DIIIIE!

Quick helium facts:

• Most of the world's helium is mined in the United States
• It has the lowest boiling and melting points of the chemical elements
• Helium is used to keep the large magnets in MRI scanners cool
• It is also used in the space program to clean rocket engines
• Zombies use it to ascend to the top of skyscrapers, unless you shoot them down

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