Jesus Christ!

He's a-comin' back! On Saturday, May 21st of 2011, to be precise. The Mayan gods are gonna be pissed that they got upstaged by some sheep-herding carpenter.

That's the message on 40 billboards around Nashville, proclaiming May 21, 2011, as the date of the Rapture. Billboards are up in eight other U.S. cities, too.

Fans of Family Radio Inc., a nationwide Christian network, paid for the billboards. Family Radio's founder, Harold Camping, predicted the May date for the Rapture.
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"The Rapture is going to be a great day for God's people but awful for everyone else," said Allison Warden, 29, who orchestrated Nashville's billboard campaign.

Um... wait. I thought the Jews were "God's people"? Make up your minds.

But the Rev. Fred Fuller of Madison Campus Seventh-day Adventist Church disagrees. He says the Bible points to Jesus' return, but no one knows when.

"The Bible says no one knows the day or the hour," he said. "I don't believe that date-setting or the scare tactic of an immediate date is a biblical approach."

You should listen to that man, Allison. He speaks from experience. The Seventh Day Adventist Church formed out of the tattered remnants of the nutball Millerite movement, which also predicted the return of ol' J.C. Yawehson. Their chosen date for all the heathens to die was October 22nd, 1843. Since I am by their definition a vile heathen, and I'm here writing this, you can guess what happened on that day.

Besides, I can tell you when Jesus is coming back: never. That's because he's dead, and has been for 2,000 years. In case the secret has somehow eluded you to this point in your life, Allison, people don't come back from the dead. Ever. Because they're dead. Just enjoy the book and get over it, please.