Coward of the Country

Scaredy-cat payola in Michigan:

Court awards bullied student $800,000

In what experts say could be a landmark decision, a Michigan school district has been ordered to pay $800,000 this week to a student who claimed the school did not do enough to protect him from years of bullying...

It started with name-calling in middle school and escalated as Dane Patterson entered high school. Some of the harassment was bullying, such as being shoved into lockers.

Other harassment was decidedly sexual in nature. He was called sexual insults, his locker and notebook were defaced with similar names, and worse. He and his parents say they reported the abuse, and yet it continued. Finally, in 10th grade, he was taunted in a locker room by a naked student rubbing against him.

"I can't even put into words the pain and suffering that I went through for years," Dane Patterson said. "It's something that I would not want anyone else to go through."

Awww... him got his widdle feewin's hurt? Mean ol' boys, they make you cwy?

The core issue here is very simple, Dane: you are a pussy. A wimp. A simpering, limp-wristed oxygen trap. A spineless, quivering mass of protoplasm. A whiny demi-human, completely and utterly devoid of self-respect.

In other words, you've a brilliant future in tort law.

"I don't know how you get back eight years," Dena Patterson said. She said her son is so emotionally damaged by his experiences, he can't even go away to college and live in a dorm with other students.

Oh, isn't that precious: Dena, Dane. You see what she did there? That's so clever it makes me want to vomit my lunch into a FedEx tube and overnight it to them. On the bright side, Dane will be living at home until he's sixty, so mommy can continue to trim the bread crust from his sandwiches.

Some days, Pinky, I wonder why I even want to take over the world; it's full of idiots.