Thump Harder

Parenting for psychos:

Dear Margo: Our daughter started college a year ago, and we’ve noticed during her visits home that she’s not the sweet, innocent girl we sent away for higher learning. We raised her with strong Christian beliefs, but lately she’s saying that she’s joined an atheist club on campus and is questioning everything we taught her. Now my husband refuses to let her in the house and is threatening to turn her in to the FBI.

Ah yes, the high crime of atheism: more heinous than terrorism, more vile than treason.

I’ve tried to cure our daughter...

Eek! Don't touch her; she has atheism! (It's catching, you know.)

...and reconcile with her, but nothing seems to work. I’ve prayed over her at night while she sleeps,

That's creepy.

enlisted friends in a phone prayer tree,

And that's bizarre.

and even spoken to my priest about the possibility of an exorcism.

But that's just retarded.

I’m at my wits’ end. How can I recover my daughter and keep her from hell? — God-fearing

One must first possess something before the end of it can be reached. Remember folks, this stupid cow's vote counts for exactly as much as your vote. Don't you just love populism?