One
Happy birthday to us!
That's right, a full year of your life has swirled down the toilet while you were reading the droolings posted here. But we appreciate our faithful reader, and so in an attempt to run him off, I'd like to take this opportunity to review statistics. From January 3rd of 2005 until January 2nd of 2006, we've had:
28,239 front page hits
10,440 unique URL reads
5,715 first time URLs
4,725 returning URLs
If you don't know what those numbers mean, that's because they're pretty much meaningless. Translated, it means we're still small-time. Big shocker there, huh?
By way of celebration, however, I'd like to treat you to a little collection I've been building up over the course of the year. We normally get several search hits per day, usually from Google or Yahoo. Some of the search strings can be quite revealing, and are often unintentionally funny. I have collected a log of the most unique, amusing, and embarrassing of these searches, which I shall now publish--and, of course, ridicule mercilessly.
A word on formatting: the first line is the geographic location of the server, if given. Keep in mind this may not always be where the searcher was physically located within a given country, as many large providers proxy to centralized routers, such as Roadrunner to Herndon, Virginia. It is accurate to the country scale, however; you'll see why this is important.
The next line references the article or archive on Apathy Curve to which the search results directed the searcher. The final line is the actual query script from the search engine.
The search strings have been truncated for space, and I have also edited out originating URLs in order to protect the guilty. Take a look:
---
Mission Viejo, California:
apathycurve.blogspot.com/2005_02_01_apathycurve_archive.html
www.google.com/search?q=%27ass-packing%27 us navy&hl=en&lr=&start=10&sa=N
You know, the United States Navy has done a great job for our country over the years. They represent the very apex of military professionalism and bravery under fire. You'd think that's what people would remember when they think "Navy." But you sodomize one lousy seaman...
---
Chicago, Illinois:
apathycurve.blogspot.com/2005/08/bear-ly-intelligent.html
search.yahoo.com/search?p=congenital idiots&sp=1&toggle=1&ei=UTF-8&fr=FP
Searching the Internet for "congenital idiots" is a lot like going to a seafood restaurant and ordering "edible fish." You really need to be more specific.
---
Nashville, Tennessee
apathycurve.blogspot.com/2005/03/still-not-dead.html
search.yahoo.com/search?p=Fidel Castro dead&prssweb=Search&ei=UTF-8&fr=FP
I must admit I got all excited when I read the search string. I thought perhaps Castro had just died, so I immediately went to Yahoo! News and did a search of my own.
Alas, the doddering old coot was--and still is--alive and kicking. Turns out it was just another person like myself, desperately wishing the dictatorial commie bastard ill will. Most disappointing.
---
Moorpark, California, United States
apathycurve.blogspot.com/2005/02/googlemaps.html
search.yahoo.com/search?p=www.googlemaps.com&fr=ieas-dns
I get this one at least once a day. You'd think it would be easier to look on Google than search for it on Yahoo. I guess that would make too much sense. The correct URL, by the way, is maps.google.com.
---
Lithuania (no city specified)
apathycurve.blogspot.com/2005/08/usenet-under-fire.html
search.yahoo.com/search?p=pornography&fr=FP-tab-web-t&toggle=1&cop=&ei=UTF-8
There are more weird and perverse search hits for various subsets of porn than you can imagine. People from Western Europe and America, as a rule, are very specific about their fetishes. But not those people in Lithuania; they aren't picky at all.
Again, you really need to be more specific; "pornography" and "internet" are nearly synonymous.
---
(Memorial University Of Newfoundland)
Newfoundland, St. John's, Canada
apathycurve.blogspot.com/2005/02/addiction.html
search.yahoo.com/search?p=egg enemas&sm=Yahoo%21
See what I mean about specificity? I'm pretty sure I don't want to know any more about that one.
---
California, Long Beach, United States
apathycurve.blogspot.com/2005/07/pussy-protection.html
search.yahoo.com/search?ei=UTF-8&p=just plain pussy&xargs=0&pstart=1&fr=sfp&b=11
An exception to the "specific fetish" rule of thumb, obviously. Maybe he got overloaded.
---
New York, Poughkeepsie, United States, 0 returning visits
apathycurve.blogspot.com/2005_02_01_apathycurve_archive.html
search.starware.com/search.php?qry=Wedding Night Enema Punishment&it=&origin=index
And an object illustration of the specificity rule. Yikes. Note to my fiancé: Don't worry; I'll be sound asleep long before the "enema punishment" stage.
---
(Atlanta Christian College)
Atlanta, Georgia, United States
apathycurve.blogspot.com/
search.msn.com/results.aspx?q=ass parade&first=151&FORM=PERE5
Way too easy.
---
New Jersey, Clementon, United States
apathycurve.blogspot.com/2005/02/like-rabid-dogs.html
search.yahoo.com/search?p=apathy in dogs&ei=UTF-8&fr=FP-tab-web-t&fl=0&x=wrt
How can you tell? I mean... it's a dog.
---
Indiana, Indianapolis, United States
apathycurve.blogspot.com/
search.yahoo.com/search?p=%22gay mormon porn%22&sm=Yahoo%21 Search&fr=FP
Okay, specific is one thing, but this is beyond the pale. Yes, I did publish an article under that headline. But it was facetious in nature.
I'm about as liberal as they come where absolute freedom of the press is concerned, but I find it a bit disturbing that there are people out there actually searching for this kind of stuff. And I thought the flat-earthers and moon landing conspiracists were a bunch of wackos...
---
New York, New York, United States
apathycurve.blogspot.com/2005_02_01_apathycurve_archive.html
search.yahoo.com/search?p=daddy punishment enema&ei=UTF-8&fl=0&xargs=0&pstart=1&fr=FP
Noticing a pattern?
---
New York, Rome, United States, 0 returning visits
apathycurve.blogspot.com/2005_02_01_apathycurve_archive.html
search.yahoo.com/search?p=enema punishment gallery&btn=Yahoo%21 search&tab=Web
Okay, last one. I promise. (Last one you have to look at, anyway. I see them on a weekly basis. And no, I don't know why. Bad karma, maybe?)
---
Utah, Heber City, United States, 0 returning visits
apathycurve.blogspot.com/
search.msn.com/results.aspx?q=cave man thumb-nails&FORM=MSNH&srch_type=0
So, are they looking for thumbnails of cavemen, or cavemens' thumb nails? In either case... why?
---
Ontario, Toronto, Canada, 0 returning visits
apathycurve.blogspot.com/2005/01/cowardice_18.html
www.ask.com/web?q=how were people torchered &qsrc=0&o=0
Umm... I'm gonna guess "with a torch?" Search engines are remarkably more effective if you can spell properly. Remember, Dictionary.com
---
Th-th-th-that's all, folks!
I figure we'll give this sociopathic little experiment one more year. If I'm not famous by the end of this year... well, I'll probably keep on writing anyway. Because I'm an addict. And you people are really, really bored.
Also, a note of thanks to contributors and newsies. Your submissions are much appreciated, even if we don't always use them.
Have a great 2006!
That's right, a full year of your life has swirled down the toilet while you were reading the droolings posted here. But we appreciate our faithful reader, and so in an attempt to run him off, I'd like to take this opportunity to review statistics. From January 3rd of 2005 until January 2nd of 2006, we've had:
28,239 front page hits
10,440 unique URL reads
5,715 first time URLs
4,725 returning URLs
If you don't know what those numbers mean, that's because they're pretty much meaningless. Translated, it means we're still small-time. Big shocker there, huh?
By way of celebration, however, I'd like to treat you to a little collection I've been building up over the course of the year. We normally get several search hits per day, usually from Google or Yahoo. Some of the search strings can be quite revealing, and are often unintentionally funny. I have collected a log of the most unique, amusing, and embarrassing of these searches, which I shall now publish--and, of course, ridicule mercilessly.
A word on formatting: the first line is the geographic location of the server, if given. Keep in mind this may not always be where the searcher was physically located within a given country, as many large providers proxy to centralized routers, such as Roadrunner to Herndon, Virginia. It is accurate to the country scale, however; you'll see why this is important.
The next line references the article or archive on Apathy Curve to which the search results directed the searcher. The final line is the actual query script from the search engine.
The search strings have been truncated for space, and I have also edited out originating URLs in order to protect the guilty. Take a look:
---
Mission Viejo, California:
apathycurve.blogspot.com/2005_02_01_apathycurve_archive.html
www.google.com/search?q=%27ass-packing%27 us navy&hl=en&lr=&start=10&sa=N
You know, the United States Navy has done a great job for our country over the years. They represent the very apex of military professionalism and bravery under fire. You'd think that's what people would remember when they think "Navy." But you sodomize one lousy seaman...
---
Chicago, Illinois:
apathycurve.blogspot.com/2005/08/bear-ly-intelligent.html
search.yahoo.com/search?p=congenital idiots&sp=1&toggle=1&ei=UTF-8&fr=FP
Searching the Internet for "congenital idiots" is a lot like going to a seafood restaurant and ordering "edible fish." You really need to be more specific.
---
Nashville, Tennessee
apathycurve.blogspot.com/2005/03/still-not-dead.html
search.yahoo.com/search?p=Fidel Castro dead&prssweb=Search&ei=UTF-8&fr=FP
I must admit I got all excited when I read the search string. I thought perhaps Castro had just died, so I immediately went to Yahoo! News and did a search of my own.
Alas, the doddering old coot was--and still is--alive and kicking. Turns out it was just another person like myself, desperately wishing the dictatorial commie bastard ill will. Most disappointing.
---
Moorpark, California, United States
apathycurve.blogspot.com/2005/02/googlemaps.html
search.yahoo.com/search?p=www.googlemaps.com&fr=ieas-dns
I get this one at least once a day. You'd think it would be easier to look on Google than search for it on Yahoo. I guess that would make too much sense. The correct URL, by the way, is maps.google.com.
---
Lithuania (no city specified)
apathycurve.blogspot.com/2005/08/usenet-under-fire.html
search.yahoo.com/search?p=pornography&fr=FP-tab-web-t&toggle=1&cop=&ei=UTF-8
There are more weird and perverse search hits for various subsets of porn than you can imagine. People from Western Europe and America, as a rule, are very specific about their fetishes. But not those people in Lithuania; they aren't picky at all.
Again, you really need to be more specific; "pornography" and "internet" are nearly synonymous.
---
(Memorial University Of Newfoundland)
Newfoundland, St. John's, Canada
apathycurve.blogspot.com/2005/02/addiction.html
search.yahoo.com/search?p=egg enemas&sm=Yahoo%21
See what I mean about specificity? I'm pretty sure I don't want to know any more about that one.
---
California, Long Beach, United States
apathycurve.blogspot.com/2005/07/pussy-protection.html
search.yahoo.com/search?ei=UTF-8&p=just plain pussy&xargs=0&pstart=1&fr=sfp&b=11
An exception to the "specific fetish" rule of thumb, obviously. Maybe he got overloaded.
---
New York, Poughkeepsie, United States, 0 returning visits
apathycurve.blogspot.com/2005_02_01_apathycurve_archive.html
search.starware.com/search.php?qry=Wedding Night Enema Punishment&it=&origin=index
And an object illustration of the specificity rule. Yikes. Note to my fiancé: Don't worry; I'll be sound asleep long before the "enema punishment" stage.
---
(Atlanta Christian College)
Atlanta, Georgia, United States
apathycurve.blogspot.com/
search.msn.com/results.aspx?q=ass parade&first=151&FORM=PERE5
Way too easy.
---
New Jersey, Clementon, United States
apathycurve.blogspot.com/2005/02/like-rabid-dogs.html
search.yahoo.com/search?p=apathy in dogs&ei=UTF-8&fr=FP-tab-web-t&fl=0&x=wrt
How can you tell? I mean... it's a dog.
---
Indiana, Indianapolis, United States
apathycurve.blogspot.com/
search.yahoo.com/search?p=%22gay mormon porn%22&sm=Yahoo%21 Search&fr=FP
Okay, specific is one thing, but this is beyond the pale. Yes, I did publish an article under that headline. But it was facetious in nature.
I'm about as liberal as they come where absolute freedom of the press is concerned, but I find it a bit disturbing that there are people out there actually searching for this kind of stuff. And I thought the flat-earthers and moon landing conspiracists were a bunch of wackos...
---
New York, New York, United States
apathycurve.blogspot.com/2005_02_01_apathycurve_archive.html
search.yahoo.com/search?p=daddy punishment enema&ei=UTF-8&fl=0&xargs=0&pstart=1&fr=FP
Noticing a pattern?
---
New York, Rome, United States, 0 returning visits
apathycurve.blogspot.com/2005_02_01_apathycurve_archive.html
search.yahoo.com/search?p=enema punishment gallery&btn=Yahoo%21 search&tab=Web
Okay, last one. I promise. (Last one you have to look at, anyway. I see them on a weekly basis. And no, I don't know why. Bad karma, maybe?)
---
Utah, Heber City, United States, 0 returning visits
apathycurve.blogspot.com/
search.msn.com/results.aspx?q=cave man thumb-nails&FORM=MSNH&srch_type=0
So, are they looking for thumbnails of cavemen, or cavemens' thumb nails? In either case... why?
---
Ontario, Toronto, Canada, 0 returning visits
apathycurve.blogspot.com/2005/01/cowardice_18.html
www.ask.com/web?q=how were people torchered &qsrc=0&o=0
Umm... I'm gonna guess "with a torch?" Search engines are remarkably more effective if you can spell properly. Remember, Dictionary.com
---
Th-th-th-that's all, folks!
I figure we'll give this sociopathic little experiment one more year. If I'm not famous by the end of this year... well, I'll probably keep on writing anyway. Because I'm an addict. And you people are really, really bored.
Also, a note of thanks to contributors and newsies. Your submissions are much appreciated, even if we don't always use them.
Have a great 2006!
posted by Jar(egg)head at 08:57
2 Comments:
WTF. Something about enemas and apathy curve. I'll need more time to research that one.
It reminds me of Harvey Korman in Dracula, Dead and Loving It and his prescription for everything, "give him an enema."
Wow those where great. Ya know, I could have won the Highlander compotation lived for ever, and without your site, I never would have remotely known anything about an “Egg Enema”.
Thank you indeed
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