Night of the Living Dread

Bob Goldman weighs in on how to pull an "all-nighter" at work.

According to Olson, who I sincerely hope was interviewed at 2 a.m., the optimal day for most people to pull an all-nighter is Monday, since it follows an all-weekender of indolence, laziness, apathy and sloth.

Apathy, you say? I specialize in it. I'm not half-bad at sloth either, though I prefer insolence to indolence.

Definitely, you want to stay away from unhealthy snacks. These are defined as pretty much everything you want to eat, and deserve to eat, and are not kale...

I have uncovered proof that force-feeding us kale is part of the aliens' plan to starve us all to death and conquer our lovely planet. The aliens look like Democrats. Details forthcoming.

Your environment will also determine how well you can perform in an all-nighter. A calm, peaceful workplace could lull you to sleep. Fortunately, the supremely screwed-up work environment that your management has provided will keep you wide-eyed as the personalities of your loser managers and the bungling boobs they manage deteriorate with every passing hour. Really, a circus of stupidity this dysfunctional would keep you awake even if you worked in a mattress factory.

I see he's been in my office, though "circus of stupidity" is, I think, giving my coworkers too much credit. Actual circuses are quite well-planned and organized.