Cook Suck

That's CoOk, mind. You think I'm acerbic, cynical and sarcastic? Oh no, my friends; I can't hold a candle to Cook Suck:

You know what? Fuck brunch. You can either have breakfast or you can have lunch. There should be no in betweens. Who can even eat when they wake up anyway? If you wake up and don’t feel like throwing up instantly or like you’re about to have a heart attack you’re either in some sort of steady relationship or stable career, have a healthy fitness routine, a loving family or some other awful bullshit like that. If need be, have a coffee, or tea, or whatever, keep it simple, do it properly and proceed with your day.

Brunch used to be something that people with genuine hangovers or rich, attractive stay-at-home mums (not the poor ones, they’ve got chores to do) would indulge in. Now it’s just lazy Gen-Y pussies from the almost-inner-suburbs living these painful parody Frankie Magazine lives, making ridiculous menu alteration demands. Eggs Benedict, jam on toast, smoked salmon? Oooh, look at all the fancy options! Fucking. yawn. It’s not at all interesting, creative, nor is it pushing any sort of culinary boundaries. Hence all the bullshit quirky plants on the shitty vintage step-ladder out the front, the appalling overpriced artwork for sale on the walls, and that fucking avocado on motherfucking rye, like rye is somehow objectively superior to white bread. You all think you’re absolutely killing it with kook with your mismatched plates & kerbside pick-up seating and that breakfast burrito is so zany and left-field and so representative of your alternative and diverse lifestyle; just so you.

But you do realise “being yourself” is a bad thing, right? It’s not eating some fancy-but-not muesli on a recycled stool made of gum-nuts down pumpernickel lane, nope, ever woken up covered in your own shit/vomit naked on the floor after drinking so much alcohol that absolutely every inhibition you’ve built over the years has been removed? That’s LITERALLY you being yourself.

Yes. Yes I have. But that's more than you want to hear about, isn't it?

So in summary, please apply spreads to your toasted bread evenly.

Much more of the cringe-worthy hilarity here. He really is quite talented at deflating self-important people.