Your kid has a stupid name and you're an idiot

Oh, happy day! I have finally discovered someone who exceeds me at the art of creating written truth through crude cynicism. Read as Drew Margary holds forth on the stupidity of modern child-names:

My wife has a subscription to Parents magazine, and the fun thing about Parents magazine is that every issue is virtually identical. Whether you pick up the June 2008 issue or the March 2012 issue, you're still getting all the same shit, including items like "567 fun knitting crafts to help stave off boredom!" and "Make a time out mean it!" and "Why is your husband such a lazy sack of shit?" They have a winning formula, and they stick to it.

Anyway, I was on the shitter the other day looking through the June 2012 issue, and I got to the standard "What should you name your baby?" piece. The magazine surveyed 13,000 readers and asked them, "If you had a boy/girl, what would you name him/her?" Now, you and I both know that Americans of all stripes have grown progressively worse at naming children. It's not enough for your child to have a normal name and then try to stand out on their own merits down the road. No, no, no. Every parent now wants every child to be unique and special from the moment the doctor wipes all the amniotic fluid off of it, even though all babies look alike and contribute nothing to society.

There's a bizarre assumption that if you can make your child's name unique, the child will be unique. And that's NEVER the case. Chances are, if you name your kid Braxlee, he or she is gonna end up bent over the sink in the back of a TGI Friday's, offering tail in exchange for a better skim off the tip pool.

This man is an artist. I can only sigh in envy at the number of bubble-headed soccer moms this piece has no doubt goaded into hilariously idiotic scribblings of protest. His quota of TardMails for the month of July must have been right off the scale. I aspire to reach this pinnacle, some day. Go read it all.

EDIT: Sorry, sorry... I'm really not trying to excerpt the entire article, but this nearly caused me to choke on my lunch:

Luxx -- Why not add that third x and fulfill her destiny? That's what you want, right? You want little Luxx to grow up, move to the Valley and earn $60 a week getting jet spraykakke'd for a series of Brazzers short films, yes? There's no other reason to name your child Luxx.

ROFLMFAO