An Amerikan Edukation

Welkome to Amerika, Komrade! Please open lunchbox for inspektion!

At [the] public school, Little Village Academy on Chicago's West Side, students are not allowed to pack lunches from home. Unless they have a medical excuse, they must eat the food served in the cafeteria.

Principal Elsa Carmona said her intention is to protect students from their own unhealthful food choices.

At Claremont Academy Elementary School on the South Side, officials allow packed lunches but confiscate any snacks loaded with sugar or salt.

"The kids may have money or earn money and (buy junk food) without their parents' knowledge," Stinson said, adding that most parents expect that the school will look out for their children.

We are the government, and we're here to protect you from yourselves.

Henceforth, we will tell you what to eat, when to eat it, and how much of it you may eat. Suck it up, fatties; you're on a crash diet now.

For unrelated but equally important reasons, we'll also be giving you a list of government approved vehicles -- all made by the good union workers at General Motors, of course.

While we're on the subject of what's good for you, we'll shortly be rolling out our new Department of Mental Health, which will prescribe for you a personal plan detailing what you may watch on television and where you can go on the internet. There will also be a custom-tailored reading list of government-approved books, selected for you based upon your sex and ethnicity. They're much healthier than that escapist trash you're reading now. You will read them; there will be a quiz at the end of each month. Failures will be sent to the Re-Edukation Kamps for mental re-profiling.

Also expect us to confiscate your lawn maintenance equipment in the near future. It's noisy and pollutes The Environment, and you're not responsible enough to use it properly. We will be assigning a crew to trim your yard the way we want it to look. You'll have to pay for it, of course. Also, the crew are "guest workers," so you'll be covering their medical care and taxes.

Now, about that gun collection of yours...