Gas Heads

Near-boom:

On May 24, at the Highland Park Apartments on Park Avenue, resident Joanne Gladstone and sister Janet McGinnis, of Drexel Hill, wrote out suicide notes, including cremation instructions, then turned on all the stovetop burners, Chitwood said.

"They were ready to end it all. They were laying on the floor on pillows when police walked in," he said.

A citizen who smelled gas called the Fire Department, and a fire captain, after noticing a gas meter showed a high rate of use, called police.

Note to future suicide morons: death by CO is like falling asleep, where CH4 turns your house into a bomb. A high enough saturation of methane (processed natural gas) in the air will eventually kill you by asphyxiation, but it won't be like pleasantly falling asleep. Now, if you were to burn said methane in a faulty central heating unit which isn't exhausting properly, you might get the desired quantity of carbon monoxide...

I wonder if I could set up a Suicide Assistance Hotline as a not-for-profit charitable organization? My motives are purely humanitarian: I wish to assist people in removing themselves from the gene pool in the safest and most expedient manner, without risking harm to bystanders. Naturally, my operating overhead will be quite high -- we are in a recession, you know. Nothing a hefty government subsidy couldn't handle, of course.

Hrm. I must research this; so many stupid people, so little time.