Chimpin' Out

Still nuttier than squirrel turds, those fun-lovin' brownshirts over at PETA have gotten their knickers in a twist over a chimpanzee in a SEGA video game advertisement:

"We explained how involuntary chimpanzee 'actors' are taken away from their mothers when they are just a year or so old and forced to perform confusing and repetitious tricks. We also explained some of the horrible methods that chimpanzee 'trainers' use, such as electric shocks with shock collars and prods, isolation, beatings with sawed-off pool cues and slapjacks, and food deprivation. Then, at the ripe old age of just 8, the chimpanzees reach puberty and their showbiz careers are over--and they end up being dumped at dismal roadside zoos or sold to laboratories for experimentation."

If such accusations are true, (not a lock when talking about PETA), then I agree that such abuse is no way to treat a poor, defenseless little chimp. However, it strikes me as an excellent behavioral modification program for all of the non-chimpanzee actors in Hollywood. Especially the "beatings with sawed-off pool cues." Nine out of ten directors agree: Jane Fonda is more compliant after a sound beating.

"Make-up to stage 4! And stop snuffling, or it'll be a Brunswick brunch for you, traitor!"