100% Hit Ratio

This happened yesterday in the town where I grew up.

A 70 year-old man witnessed two people breaking into his neighbor's home and carrying away loot. He called the police, but they couldn't get there in time, so...

"I'm getting my gun and going to stop them," the neighbor told the dispatcher during the 2 p.m. call, according to Vance Mitchell, a spokesman for Pasadena police. "The dispatcher said, 'No, stay inside the house; officers are on the way.'

"Then you hear him rack the shotgun. The next sound the dispatcher heard was a boom. Then there was silence for a couple of seconds and then another boom."

Now that is the kind of neighbor I like.

When police arrived moments later, they found two dead men in the 7400 block of Timberline Drive. One was across the street, and the other had collapsed two houses down behind a bank of mailboxes in the Village Grove East subdivision.

Two shots. Two kills. OOOORAH!

Police said the neighbor, whose name was withheld Wednesday, appeared calm as he retraced his steps for police. "He was well composed and knew what he was doing," Mitchell said. "He was protecting the neighbor's property." It will be up to a Harris County grand jury to decide if the man committed a crime by opening fire, police said.

I seriously doubt you'll find a grand jury who'll indict.

The names of the two burglary suspects were not released Wednesday evening. The two men had documentation on them from Puerto Rico, Colombia and the Dominican Republic, police said.

And they were illegals, too! Nice going! Can we shoot a few million more? Per day?

Sen. Jeff Wentworth, a San Antonio Republican, said the so-called castle doctrine law he wrote doesn't apply to people protecting their neighbors' property.

The measure "is not designed to have kind of a 'Law West of the Pecos' mentality or action," Wentworth said. "You're supposed to be able to defend your own home, your own family, in your house, your place of business or your motor vehicle."

So you're saying that people should just stand by and watch their neighbor's house being robbed? "Sorry, John; I'd really like to have saved your family heirlooms, but Senator Limpdick Wentworth would have me sent to jail. Tough luck. Just go buy some more, huh?"

You're Senator Tough Guy when you're writing the bill, but as soon as something even mildly controversial comes down the pike, you roll up like a pillbug and start equivocating. Typical goddamned slimy politician; we'll shoot you first, fucker.

Lacey Hernandez described her neighborhood as very quiet. The subdivision is lined with two-story brick homes with trees in the front yards.

"We leave our garage door open," she said. "We let the kids run the streets just like nothing. Now they will not be playing in the streets."

Your kids are safer now than they've ever been. Thieves will avoid that neighborhood like the plague. You're too stupid to live; report to your nearest termination booth for immediate recycling.

Oh, and since I'm in such a cheery mood today, I'd like to add that while I am highly critical of the Houston Chronicle, I was actually impressed by this article. It was comprehensive, cogently written, and unbiased. Ruth Rendon and Peggy O'Hare share the by-line. Excellent job, ladies. Keep it up and I might even start reading that rag on a regular basis again.