Don't Run with Scissors

A list of the most dangerous toys of all time--also known as juvenile Darwinism enablers.

Drunk uncle Buck threw a Jart in your direction? Step out of the way, dummy. That cool Battlestar Galactica Viper launches plastic torpedoes? Don't stick it down your throat and push fire, you simpering git! Because uncle Buck might be a lush, but Uncle Chuck is always alert and ready to do his job.

When I was a younger, dumber lad, I received a junior microscope and biology lab set for my birthday. It had a bugsticker (two inch needle on a plastic stick) in the kit. I immediately proceeded to run--literally--around the front yard looking for a bug to stick. What actually got stuck, of course, was my cheek. Put a hole right through it. After recovering from the momentary shock of having my body pierced like a cocktail sausage, I began whining and crying about how generally unfair life was, how the universe persecuted me, and how much it hurt.

My father's response, after insuring the wound wasn't life-threatening, was to tell me "don't do that again." Sound advice. I took it. And I stopped running with sharp things in my hand. As mentioned elsewhere on this blog, Wisdom = Experience + Age + Intelligence. Of course, when I joined the Marine Corps some years later, I spent most of my time running with loaded weapons and with grenades and knives attached to my body. But I was a trained professional at that point. At least, that's what they kept telling me. At any rate, don't try it at home.

Finally, the dangerous toy list includes a very cool toy from my childhood which I had almost completely forgotten: The Thingmaker. I had endless hours of fun baking plastic (and occasionally my fingers) in a quest for the perfect Creepy Crawly. Alas, today's children will never know such joy. Voluntary self-mutilation in the pursuit of fun is part of what made me the stable, sane individual I am today...