The Complete Military History of France
One of the accepted guidelines of writing or performing comedy is that the closer a joke is to the truth, the funnier and more well-received it will be.
The corollary is that if the object of the joke becomes irate upon hearing or reading it, you're probably really close to the truth.
The corollary is that if the object of the joke becomes irate upon hearing or reading it, you're probably really close to the truth.
posted by Jar(egg)head at 16:01
1 Comments:
The way I always heard it. (Lifted from Maxim online)
Was it Patton who said, "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French division behind me."?
Shark
Conquer France
Takeover tips from some of the many countries, groups, and individuals that have taken part in the world’s favorite game: handing France its ass.
Ah, France. There’s something about this snail-eating, bathing-optional country that makes the rest of the globe want to sweep through its Popsicle-stick border defenses and kick the living shit out of everything that moves. Its economy’s in a funk, its unemployment’s at a storm-the-Bastille 12 percent, and its government is horribly bloated (think of a nude Gérard Depardieu on a toilet, eating a bucket of chicken). Isn’t it time you took over?
Julius Caesar
Strategy: Storm in while they’re bickering.
How he did it: In 58 b.c., Gaul—present-day France—was continually at war with itself. One day Caesar got sick of hearing about all the stupid slap-fighting, so even though the Frogs lacked wealth, soap, or anything else he wanted, he took an army up to paste ’em—for the hell of it.
Napoleon Bonaparte
Strategy: Show a flash of competence.
How he did it: Wanting desperately to be a feared dictator somewhere, this pint-size Corsican megalomaniac, who reportedly had a one-inch penis, remembered France: a country historians swear once let a 17-year-old girl run its army. France made him general, then emperor, and Nappy sent hundreds of thousands of Frenchies to their graves on half-baked invasions.
Germany
Strategy: Just ignore their defenses.
How they did it: Still pissed that the rest of Europe made their homeland a prison bitch during WWl, the French built the Maginot line—200 miles of fortified bunkers—anticipating more trench warfare. Germany, ass-kickers from way back, instead waged a modern war with tanks and dive bombers, conquering France in six weeks. De Gaulle of those people.
Disney
Strategy: Insult their culture.
How they did it: Amid Gallic indignation, Eisner and Co. opened Disneyland Paris, which quickly became Europe’s most visited paying tourist attraction, drawing 13 million last year—twice as many as the Eiffel Tower. An affordable strategy: Buy one of France’s top wine labels—then turn around and sell it in cans. Nothing will boost the morale of the unemployed more than a cheap six-pack of Dom Perignon.
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