Holy Gluten

You've probably seen all the food products popping up with "GLUTEN FREE!!!1" splashed on the labeling. Well, there's another gluten problem, (somehow you just knew there would be): It's the Catholics. You see, apparently they can't provide gluten-free Eucharist because... Well, I'll let you read it for yourself, because I can't adequately explain this level of ignorant medievalism:

St. Thomas Aquinas was one of the first Church theologians to describe clearly what valid matter is for the Eucharist: “Now among other breads, wheaten bread is more commonly used by men; since other breads seem to be employed when this fails. And, consequently, Christ is believed to have instituted this sacrament under this species of bread. Moreover, this bread strengthens man, and so it denotes more suitably the effect of this sacrament. Consequently, the proper matter for this sacrament is wheaten bread.”

And that's that, worshipers of Cathol! Dead Jesus is made of wheat and ONLY of wheat. End of story. Celiac-schmeliac. Suck down that gluten and take it like a man. After all, what's a little diarrhea next to eternal salvation, amirite?