Mmm.... popcorn...

The Food Nazis are after your popcorn:

The nation's cinema operators are fuming about proposed federal rules that could require them to disclose the calories in their concession food — including popcorn, a highly profitable item for theater chains.

Regulators could issue final rules as early as Wednesday that would force movie theaters to post calorie counts for popcorn, pretzels, hot dogs and other prepared foods sold in their cinemas.

Whatever. Anybody who is neurotic enough to count calories at a movie theater isn't worth taking seriously anyhow.

Of much greater importance is the fact that I, the Popcorn Colonel, have perfected a method for making a passable simulacrum of movie popcorn without much effort. In an uncharacteristically magnanimous gesture, I shall now reveal to you this magic formula, that you may fart in the general direction of the Food Nazis.

First, the secret does not involve actual butter, as some deluded souls believe. Pouring melted butter on your popcorn simply results in soggy, nasty, disgusting popcorn. I know whereof I speak, as early experiments resulted in unstable monsters which terrorized the peasa--- er, sorry; different experiment. Anyways, get that melted butter idea out of your little brains right now.

Go to the store and get yourself some quality microwave popcorn. The stuff advertising lots of butter flavor. You're not aiming for healthy, here; we're after the movie experience, so read the side panels and try to find the least healthy stuff on the shelf. Head to the house and pop that up.

While at the store, you will have purchased two more items: butter-flavored popping oil (I use the Orville Redenbacher brand, but any will do), and a shaker of butter salt, (second only to bacon salt in Pure Awesome). When the popcorn is done, (don't burn it, doofus), open the bag and pour a little of the popping oil, about 1 tablespoon, into the bag. Pinch it closed and shake vigorously for about fifteen seconds, turning it over while doing so in order to insure even distribution of the oil. Open the bag, add another tablespoon of oil and repeat.

Now open up the bag and pour in a LITTLE BIT of the butter salt. Seriously, it doesn't take much of the stuff and you'll ruin the whole bag if you add too much. I just use a single dash of it. Now commence with the shakin' again to distribute the salt over the oil-coated popcorn. Pour the bag into a couple of bowls (or one big bowl, if you're a greedy selfish pig) and commence with the movies.

Of course, this is the quick method. If you really want movie popcorn, you have to buy kernels pop 'em in that oil. But that's a pain in the ass, requires a special device, and makes a mess. The above method is 90% Good Enough, and nearly devoid of messiness. Enjoy, and remember to flip off the Food Nazis when you're making it; that improves the taste.