Office Etiquette

Dear Employees,

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals in the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received, this will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of alternate phrases has been provided so that a proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of giving offense.


TRY SAYING - I'm not certain that's feasible.
INSTEAD OF - No fucking way.

TRY SAYING - Perhaps I can work late to make sure that happens.
INSTEAD OF - And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING - Really?
INSTEAD OF - You've gotta be shitting me.

TRY SAYING - Perhaps you should check with (name)?
INSTEAD OF - Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING - I wasn't involved in that project.
INSTEAD OF - It's not my fucking problem, Twinkle-toes.

TRY SAYING - That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF - What the fuck!

TRY SAYING - I'm not sure that plan can be implemented in time.
INSTEAD OF - That shit'll never work.

TRY SAYING - I'll try to work that into my schedule.
INSTEAD OF - Why the fuck didn't you tell me about this shit earlier?

TRY SAYING - He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF - He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING - Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF - Eat shit and die, motherfucker.

TRY SAYING - So you are unhappy with my solution?
INSTEAD OF - Kiss my fat ass.

TRY SAYING - I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF - Fuck off. I'm salaried.

TRY SAYING - I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF - I hate this fucking job.

TRY SAYING - Would you like me to take care of that for you?
INSTEAD OF - Who the fuck died and made you the boss?

TRY SAYING - I see.
INSTEAD OF - Fuck me to tears!

TRY SAYING - Perhaps we could get you a little more training in that area.
INSTEAD OF - You're a fucking idiot.

Thank you,
Human Resources.

Think I'll stick with the tried-and-true "Instead of" versions.