Another Modest Proposal

I had intended to go on a rant about the irritation and distraction caused by people bringing their snotty crotchfruits into the workplace. It's the latest in a series of rage-inducing moronities concocted by the sub-sentient protein masses masquerading as administrative assistants. Happily, a quick lunchtime Google (a.k.a - "a nerd nooner") in search of commiseration netted a fellow traveler on this gerbil wheel of never-ending dimwits. Turns out I needn't rant; this chick has already done a fantastic job of covering the material:

My co-workers and I become irate when the woman who runs our mail room, which is right in our area, allows her grandchildren to scream and screech and carry on during working hours. Her daughter brings the little brats by every week — sometimes she leaves them with Grandma for an hour or two — and it’s miserable for everyone within earshot. One day, I’d had enough. I couldn’t concentrate and I was getting a headache.

I went to the mailroom counter and poked my head around as though I were curious and had no idea there were children in the building. The mailroom lady was holding the screamer and looked at me and smiled. I gave her a sour look and said, "Oh. Wow. That’s loud." Then I turned around and walked the 15 steps back to my desk. She took the screamer outside.

There’s a good reason I don’t have children: I don’t like them. When invited to large get-togethers, my first question is will there be small children there? If so, I won't be attending. I don’t enjoy being around them. I don’t think very many kids are cute, and frankly, 99.9 percent of babies either look like monkeys, space aliens or worse. I don’t want to be around their screeching, crying, incessant chatter, spit-up, drool, sticky fingers or stinky smells. I didn’t even like kids when I was a kid. Babysitting was my first job, and I hated it. I preferred the company of adults and books.

I believe I may have found my long-lost twin sister. At the very least, both of us are probably distantly related to Jonathan Swift.